Highs, Lows, and Tortilla Soup

I am actually, finally, getting a little emotional with this pregnancy. Not a whole lot, mind you--just a bit. And you know what? It's not all bad.

I have been extremely level-headed throughout this whole thing thus far. Which sort of felt like it has been by choice. You see, I had a miscarriage about a year ago--actually a little sac that never developed a baby in there, so it did not feel as tragic as it might have. In fact, if I *had* to have a miscarriage, I'm sort of glad that that's the way it went, because there really wasn't the loss of a baby to mourn. And honestly even though I was quite sad about the whole thing, part of me was happy that I got to experience the joy of a positive pregnancy test (and a few happy days before it was clear something was wrong) with the man I'm married to and with whom I'm deeply in love.

Despite all of that, it was quite the roller coaster ride, in no small part because there was a slight chance that a baby would suddenly decide to show up in the sac. So, since I very much wanted to be pregnant, the doc suggested I wait at least a few weeks to see what would happen. Those were some difficult weeks emotionally, let me tell you. Knowing I was probably miscarrying, but taking daily progesterone to try to keep it from happening.... Trying not to get my hopes up but at the same time not at all being able to mourn and process the miscarriage.... It was not a journey for the faint of heart, let's just say.

So when I discovered that I was pregnant this time, I was definitely circumspect. I didn't let myself get excited, hardly at all. We also did not tell a single soul for quite some time, which isn't the sort of thing that's in my nature--I'm good at keeping a secret for a friend if/when it's called for, but I don't like to keep hidden from those close to me something that is so monumental to myself! And if I had miscarried again, I definitely would have shared that with my friends and family, but if it came to that I wanted to do it after the fact, and not take everyone on that roller coaster ride with me once again. Also, George had taken the news of the miscarriage extremely hard--when I told him, he collapsed into tears and said it was the worst day of his life. Needless to say I was eager to spare him that pain!

So Bob and I kept it to ourselves for quite some time, most of the first trimester. And somehow, keeping the news completely to ourselves kind of made it not seem entirely real, even though the morning sickness and exhaustion provided daily evidence to the contrary! The combination of not telling anyone and of trying to be glad without getting my hopes up too much (I handled the first miscarriage like a pro, really, but a second one would've been crushing, I think) made me rather emotionally distant from the whole thing. Which, now that I think about it, is kind of sad!

Anyway, once the first trimester was over, and we had some excellent test results back, it was time to start telling people, and of course to start accepting for ourselves that it was really happening. Since then, I have been feeling very, very joyful about it. In fact, I've been on cloud nine pretty much every day, though I have also felt extremely grounded. In a good way. It's been this very calm, deep happiness, if that makes sense. No wild mood swings, no getting weepy....

Until last week. It was the day before I was leaving to come out to California to see my family. It was &%#*ing cold. Single digits. Below zero if you count the wind chill. I had been out tutoring and came home to Bob (all the kids were with their other parents). Bob asked me what I wanted to eat for lunch, and I just burst into tears! "Tortilla soup," I managed to say. "Do we have the stuff to make it?" he asked. "No!" I cried. Being the super-sweet husband he is, of course he volunteered to go out and get me some, but this made me cry even harder--"You can't go out there! It's too cold! And besides, I don't want you to leave me!" and, well, you get the picture. I cried for quite some time, until I fell asleep, which is probably all I really needed. When I woke up, we bundled up and did go out together for some tortilla soup.... But anyway, it was the first time during this whole pregnancy that I felt quite overwhelmed and emotionally not-really-myself.

Have I been willing myself to stay calm all this time, and I'm finally letting my guard down more? It doesn't really feel that way. Although, with all the responsibilities I have, it may be that something inside me knows I just *have* to stay grounded. Nothing like having other kids to keep you from getting too carried away by your own stuff, after all. But maybe now that I'm closing in on the third trimester and we are thinking about baby gear and other practical stuff it's becoming even more real to me, and that is taking things up a few notches for me emotionally. Or maybe the hormones are just finally catching up with me.

Whatever it is, I don't really mind! It is a true delight to be pregnant at this point in my life. And to be sharing it with my husband. And with George. And my step-kids.

So, I think I'll just relax and enjoy this ride for all it's worth :-)