The Unschooling thing

Unschooling has been on my mind a lot lately, pretty much ever since I went to the unschooling conference earlier last month and discovered that I'm not really an unschooler. Well, not a real one, anyway. Turns out to be a true unschooler you pretty much have to not insist on anything from your child. It's not just a homeschooling approach; it's a parenting philosophy as well. If there's something you want your child to do (being helpful around the house, or being polite, for example), you lead by example and can talk to them about what's important from your perspective, but leave it completely up to them whether or not they follow. Unschoolers also do not worry about what their children are or aren't learning--it is completely up to the child what to focus on and when. You might think that this sounds like neglect, but from what I've seen nothing could be further from the truth. The parents I've encountered who choose this style of homeschooling/parenting are extraordinarily dedicated parents, who work hard to provide all sorts of educational opportunities in areas where their kids express interest. And the unschooled kids I met at the conference seemed, actually, to be very nice kids (articulate, interesting, well-socialized, "together", etc.). Here's a definition of radical unschooling that I found on an unschooling site:

Unschooling will look different in different families, and "radical unschooling" simply means extending the philosophy of unschooling (that children will learn what they need to know when they are ready and want to learn it) into every other aspect of life (i.e. children will go to sleep when they are tired, eat when they are hungry, and will learn to be a functioning, helpful member of a family/household without being forced/required to do things like chores, given punishments, limited on tv/videogames, etc.)

I find this concept to be both intriguing and kind of horrifying. It goes counter to so many things in our society (which could be both a plus and a minus, I suppose).

Children who are unschooled often take classes and follow curricula--*if* and when they so choose. Parents who unschool their children say that their kids hardly ever spend the whole day watching tv or playing video games; they say that because these things are not limited, their children aren't obsessed with them. I see the logic in this argument; I really do. And when George had lice last fall, and I told him he could do whatever he wanted until it cleared up, he did spend about three full days on his Nintendo DS but then was quite bored with it and went back to reading. Does that prove the point? Well, I must admit that it kind of does. Do I continue to limit his game/tv time? Well, yes I do. But back to that in a minute.

There are two separate but of course related issues here, one having to do with parenting in general and one having to do with schooling. I'm actually grappling more with the schooling end of things. I'm pretty happy with my parenting in general and also with the person George is turning out to be. Of course I believe that in any area there is always room for improvement, so I am enjoying being on an unschoolers list-serv and considering the different points of view presented there.

But I feel like George and I have a pretty authentic, balanced, respectful, trusting relationship (not unlike the relationship I had with my parents when I was growing up), despite the fact that on occasion there is an imbalance of power. Because I've been around a lot longer than he has, there are some things that I know that he doesn't. And while I'm always willing to listen to and consider his point of view, and will follow it on many things, I feel that insisting on certain things like a bedtime is truly in his best interests. When he doesn't get enough sleep he becomes very irritable and difficult to be around, which adversely affects both him and everyone around him. He really turns into a different kid. Argumentative, edgy, angry, volatile, sometimes even explosive. I understand; I become those things, too, when I haven't had enough sleep! I truly do. As an adult, I do my best to insure that I get at least a minimum of sleep so that that doesn't happen too much. But I can't expect George to do that for himself, not when it would mean voluntarily removing himself from whatever is going on with the rest of the family pretty much every evening (George wakes up early, no matter what, so he has to go to bed by about 8 or so. My husband and I stay up a bit later than that, of course, and when my stepkids are here, they are also allowed to stay up until at least 9--they generally sleep a bit later than George does). This is one example--actually, the main one (though a similar phenomenon happens when he has too much screen time)--where I feel it works best for our family and for George himself for me to insist on something from him.

Back to academics.... The theory, as stated above, says that kids will learn what they need when they need it, and it's not up to us to force-feed them anything at all. This sounds pretty radical, yes. But there are so many examples I've heard of since I've really been looking into this lately. Mostly having to do with math/science, which coincidentally is what's most on my mind. One unschooled girl was never required to do any math and when she was of high school age she was doing a building project of some sort that was important to her, and she suddenly found that she needed a mathematical formula to figure something out. She went right to the computer and did a little research, and within 15 minutes had found the formula and figured out how to use it. Another kid decided she really wanted to go to college and found out that there was an entrance requirement of chemistry, in which she lacked any interest or training. She decided to take an online college-level chemistry class, worked really hard for the duration of the term, and got an A. Getting either of these kids to study these things sooner, when they really didn't see the point and had no interest in them, would likely have produced different (less desirable) results.

At the same time, as I've stated before, I am a proponent of a well-rounded education. I believe that people benefit from studying different things. Even things they aren't particularly interested in. That each discipline has its own way(s) of seeing the world, and that one can only benefit from being exposed to such diversity of perspective. Plus, you might discover that you love something you didn't know you would in advance. An example: I thought I hated "literature". Don't get me wrong; I always loved to read. But I had a series of English teachers in high school who did not inspire in me a love of studying literature. I thought it was sort of imprecise and annoying to try to analyze literature. Fast forward to college: I decided to be a French major, mostly because I loved traveling. (I had initially wanted to be a math major, but had a bad experience in honors calculus my first semester and never took math again.) At a certain point I ran out of language/culture/cinema courses in French and was forced to start taking literature courses my senior year in order to finish my major. Well, with the right professors, I suddenly found that I *loved* studying and analyzing literature. Something finally clicked, and I went on to grad school (in Italian) and became a professor. Now I spend much of my life analyzing literature and teaching others how to do it. And I love it. I really do. But if I hadn't been required to look into it further as part of my studies, I never would have discovered that.

But what about George? What about how much he's hating math right now? How much do I insist that he stick with it? Perhaps there's a happy medium. I actually do believe that he could pick it up pretty quickly, later, if it were to serve a purpose he valued, and I kind of feel like all he's learning right now is a hatred for and frustration with math, which is certainly something I do *not* want to teach him! I recently read a really interesting article, in fact, about a highly successful experiment in which the teaching of math was delayed until middle school. Those kids actually ended up with a better understanding of math than their peers who had been taught the basics all along. (The real problem with the math George is doing right now--which my husband, a former middle-school math teacher, says is about early 7th-grade level--is that it is too repetitive, and it's killing him. So I'm thinking of letting him drop it entirely for now and starting up with a new program sometime next year, when he's recovered a bit.)

This post is already getting kind of long, but I am also wondering how much to insist on things like writing from him. He's already a really good writer. How much do I push him to work on his writing skills, and how much do I let him just run free with them, working on them when he feels inspired to do so? I like the idea of letting his own creativity and drive be his guides. On the other hand, it's not a bad thing to learn how to write (or do math, or work in general) even when you're not feeling particularly inspired to do so.

Anyway, for right now, unschooling (academically, at least) is working pretty well for me--I know George is ahead of the game in everything at this point, and I'm 8 months pregnant with increasingly limited energy and under a fair amount of pressure with my own work. Work that I do, yes, because I feel inspired to do it--sometimes. But also because I *have* to do it (if I want to keep a roof over my head, etc.), and it's a pretty good thing that I've learned to work even when I don't particularly feel like it.

So, despite my current flirtation with radical unschooling, I think I'll likely continue, in the future, to embrace my own little combination of approaches to both homeschooling and parenting. I'll keep looking into a variety of approaches, taking what feels right to me and leaving the rest, figuring it out as I go along. And then figuring it out all over again, as needs and situations always seem to be changing!

Back on Stage

The fun news: George has been cast in another university stage production (he was in one last year as well). The less fun news: as was the case last year, the theme is too mature for any of his friends to come see it!

Last year George was cast in Harold Pinter's One for the Road. It was an awful play, really! I mean, a great production, but a really grim play. George was not allowed to watch any scenes other than the ones he was in (much to his chagrin. Though I did capture it on video and promised to let him see it when he's like 30). The scenes he was in were fine, though with quite creepy undertones, because he was being sort of interviewed by a monstrous torturer who had kidnapped him and his family, but was being all pal-sy with him. Anyway, despite all that, it was a fabulous experience for him--we have a pretty good theater department here, and with a relatively small cast, he got plenty of personal attention and instruction/direction. It was starting up right when we pulled him from school and began homeschooling full-time, so it worked out well that he really had the time and energy to devote to it. I was so proud of him, as I'm sure you can imagine! He was a real pro up there, completely holding his own with the college kids. I was disappointed only that his friends couldn't come see him.

Fortunately, another opportunity came up right after that--homeschool friends of ours started a Shakespeare group/class and George was cast as Lysander in A Midsummer Night's Dream. They worked on the show all during the spring and put it on in June in the same theater on campus where the Harold Pinter play took place, and then again outdoors at a local Fairie Festival. Lysander is a great part, and George played it very well, if quite reluctantly--he was highly embarrassed to be playing a "lover"! He has plenty of friends that are girls, but did not like having to be lovey-dovey with a girl on stage (no matter that the girl in question was/is *totally* adorable and sweet, IMO)....

I'm really happy that the Shakespeare class is happening again this year; the play will be Twelfth Night. We're still waiting for casting. George was so eager *not* to play a lover that he actually asked if he could have the lead, who happens to be a girl. A girl who is pretending to be a boy for almost the entire play, and who does end up in love at the end but it's with a boy, so he wouldn't have had to walk off the stage arm-in-arm or holding hands with a girl. I find it pretty amusing that he'd rather play a girl than pretend to be in love with one, but ok! In any case, alas, it was not to be; there are more girls than boys in the group this year, so they really can't spare a girl's part for a boy. Anyway, we should find out Monday what part he ends up with.

In the meantime, as I mentioned, he's been cast in another play on campus--Arthur Miller's All My Sons. Not to be at all confused with the sit-com My Three Sons, which I watched a lot as a kid. No. Not at all. Once again, George's scenes are harmless, but the overall theme is definitely not too kid-friendly, ending as it does with the suicide of the oldest son and the father.

Why can't he be cast in The Sound of Music, or Mary Poppins, or something?!

Still, I'm not complaining! He's thrilled to be in the show, and I'm pretty thrilled myself that he's getting another opportunity like this. His first rehearsal was last night and he did *great*. I was so proud of him up there. And today we went to the costume shop to get him fitted, which turned out to be lots of fun because in one of his scenes he gets to wear a cowboy get-up which includes a holster and gun:




I had to practically drag him out of there; he was having such a blast (as you can probably tell from the pictures).

I think I forgot to mention that opening night of this play is on the earliest of my possible/shifting due dates, by the way, so I might not even get to see him in it. (Though of course I'll be at many of the rehearsals.) And as I said, none of his friends can come...

But at least there's no love-interest for his character!

Birthday thoughts, and OW

First, the ow--I've been having early labor pains for most of the weekend and it has not been fun. They do finally seem to be subsiding, though, so I'm hoping for a decent night's sleep!

More importantly, the birthday thoughts... It's George's 10th tomorrow.

I used to keep a sort of journal for him. I started it when I was pregnant with him. When I found out I was pregnant all those years ago, a friend took me to a knitting store and got me started on my first knitting project since the 1970s, when I knitted one pink slipper to earn some girl scout badge or other. (It was all about the badges--and one slipper was enough, so I never got around to the other one.) Anyway, my friend got me started on a lovely blanket, which I really appreciated, but it wasn't helping me to connect with the little being inside of me in a way that really felt like, well, me. I suddenly got the idea to start a journal, which I would address to the baby, and in which I would write down all of my thoughts about being pregnant. I loved it, and I kept doing it regularly well into his first year. I'll share them with him someday, when he's a bit older. Anyway, my writing has gotten more and more sporadic, and I now write only a couple of times a year or less.

But one thing I've always done, right before his birthday, is to write down a bunch of things I love about him right then, at that age, and also some highlights of the last year. I was going to just write it in here this year, but then I thought that I really ought, for continuity's sake, to write it in the latest journal I have for him (which I think I started when he was about 4!) But then I couldn't find it, and now there's less than an hour left before his birthday, so I figured I'd better just go ahead and write it in here! I always address it to him. I hope it won't sound, I don't know, too personal. Or like I'm bragging, because it's kind of all about how awesome he is. (He's never actually read any of these yet, but he'll probably read this one... Anyway...) So if all that's going to annoy you, just stop reading right now! In any case, here goes.

Dear George,

It's almost your birthday! I won't say anything trite, like "you're growing up so fast", even though it does seem odd that it was 10 years ago tonight that I went to the hospital to bring you into this world. I didn't really know what to expect, of course. I was very excited and also scared. I had always wanted to be a mom, and sure hoped I'd be good at it. It's funny that now, exactly 10 years later, I've been having labor pains.... But in a way it's kind of cool, a kind of interesting connection between you and your little brother-to-be.

George, you might think I am saying this just because I'm your mom, but you are a really great kid. I have loved the last year with you. It has been such a privilege to get to spend so much time with you. It was just a little over a year ago, I think, that we pulled you out of the Montessori school (which you were attending only part-time at that point anyway) and moved full steam ahead with homeschooling. It has not always been easy and we've been sort of figuring it out as we go along, but I am so happy we're making it work. I can see that you are thriving and that is what a mom really wants to see.

So, what do I love about you, right now, at this ripe old age of 9? I love... first of all how kind and caring you are. You really care about other people and are extraordinarily thoughtful and considerate. You've been that way since you were like 2, but I'm glad to see that the world hasn't taken it out of you :-) Also, how insightful you are. How you really "get it". You have a great barometer for detecting bull#$%@ and you crack me up sometimes when you subtly call people out on it. You are really good at considering people's motives and also at understanding why people do the things they do, even when those things aren't very nice. This is true on the level of family, friends, and even society--we had a great conversation about racism tonight, for example. (After which you told me that when you grow up you want to eradicate racism. And also find a better cure for lice.) And I love our bedtime conversations--connecting with each other at the end of a day.

I love how motivated you are with Tae Kwon Do and also with recorder. That when we find something that you like and is a good fit for you, you really run with it.

I love that you trust me enough that when I'm upsetting you you know you can tell me. Like the other day in the car when we were a little late for music because you took too long getting ready, and I was going on and on about it because I was stressed out (about work, not really so very much about being late for the music lesson) and you listened to what I had to say but at a certain point you spoke up and gently expressed that I had really made my point, and that you really don't like it when I go on and on like that after you've clearly heard and understood what I've said! You were so right. And you didn't say it in a mean or disrespectful way.

I love how creatively you play. You will sit in your room for hours playing with your toys (right now it's lots of Legos and Disney Racers), talking and making up story lines... and I love that because you're homeschooled you have plenty of time to do that. Also, I really enjoy sitting on the floor with you (well, I did before I was pregnant, anyway!), playing board games, especially word games. Also, the way you write your own comics and you make up games that involve drawing pictures and such (sort of "choose-your-own-adventure" games, where you draw pictures for each adventure that the "player" chooses, like the rock-star game you made up for me).

Speaking of which, I love how you love my music and my singing. It makes me so happy to hear you sing, and I get an extra kick out of hearing you sing the songs I have written. Even more, I love how we wrote a song together, Schoolhouse Blues--that we took your horrible experiences in first grade and turned them into something so fun, and that was so well received when Bob and I performed it at the unschoolers convention.

There's not much I love a whole lot more than your sense of humor. You really do crack me up several times a day. Wish I could think of some examples but I'm tired and am drawing a blank! On a similar note, your facility with language. I love how when you learn a new word you start using it right away (pretty much always correctly).

I love the tenderness you already feel toward your little brother. You are so sweet when you kiss or ever-so-gently pat my belly and talk to him. I love all the love you already have in your heart for this little boy you haven't met just yet, but of course are so deeply connected to.... Also, how early on in the pregnancy you told me that a uterus was a portal from heaven. And how when you came to an ultrasound early on, and the ultrasound technician pointed out how quickly the baby had just turned around, you turned to me and announced, totally deadpan, "Well, Mom, looks like we've got another child prodigy on our hands." Also, how you told me that the ultrasound reminded you of how Chronos had swallowed his children, that that's what it looked like to you!

I love your attitude about religion and God and the Bible and such, and that you and I can have mature, sophisticated, and completely honest discussions about theology. And about literature. And about people. And about the meaning of life, and about just about anything. You are a great conversationalist--and not just for a nine-year-old, either. Really. I am lucky to know a lot of really great conversationalists and you can hold your own with any of them, with insightfulness, panache, and wit.

I also love how philosophical you can be... like the other day when you were overtired and upset, and verbalized that you were overwhelmed by turning 10 and thinking about all of the changes that you've had in your life already! Also how you noticed, when you were so very tired and upset, that it was, as you said, almost as if your body was looking for excuses to cry. That level of insight into your own feelings is going to serve you well in life.

I love what a good little actor you are. It was so wonderful to see you on stage last year (on your birthday!) at the play on campus, and then again as Lysander at the various performances of A Midsummer Night's Dream with the homeschoolers--especially one of the outdoor performances, when it was pouring rain, but you didn't let it slow you down one bit (nor did any of your cast mates!) I also loved it when you realized that you had forgotten to bring your sword out on stage with you once when you had a fight scene that was about to start--you hesitated for only a fraction of a second, and then just went for it, as if you were holding that sword anyway.

I love snuggling up with you in the morning and chatting, planning our day, or sometimes watching tv. I love going out to lunch with you. And going to the movies with you, even though I fall asleep probably half the time. How you loved the Return of the Pink Panther, which was my favorite movie when I was your age.

I love traveling with you...

I love how helpful you've become, especially now that I'm pregnant... offering to do various things without even being asked (like carrying the groceries, etc.).

Of course there are plenty of other things I love about you, Honey, but it's so late and I'm so tired... so this will have to do. I hope you're not embarrassed that I've written all of this here instead of in a journal where no one but you would see it (and not even you for several more years!!!).

Goodnight, my 9-year-old. Tomorrow we'll have brownies at Shakespeare class, and for dinner we'll have tostadas, your favorite meal. Then next week we'll have a little party for you at the movies. You wanted to show the Pink Panther movie, but were dissuaded when you showed to one of your friends and he didn't share your enthusiasm, so it's Back to the Future Part 2, instead (since you showed part 1 last year). So, sweet dreams, and happy, happy birthday to you!

Quick math update

So, I backed way off on the math thing, and apologized to George for having been overbearing and impatient about it, and guess what? We're almost totally back on track with it. He's not absolutely loving it, but he's had a few good sessions in a row and is really motivated with it again. Most importantly, he has in general returned to his enthusiastic self.

I hope I've really learned the lesson this time, to listen to my kid, and to respect his own internal rhythms a bit more. He knows when he needs a break. And it may or may not coincide with when I want him to take one. But when he truly needs it and I push him harder instead of giving it to him, it just doesn't work. And I end up sort of traumatizing him in the process! I need to remember that he pushes himself plenty hard overall, in many directions; apart from general guidance or specific help when he needs it, and gentle reminders here and there, I should just back the heck off. And save my slave-driving for myself!