"What about socialization?"

I saw this post on a list I'm on, and liked it so much that I wanted to put it here. Socialization remains the number 1 thing people ask me about when they learn that we homeschool. But it's really the last thing we ever worry about. In fact there are so very many opportunities for socializing and socialization that the challenge is really not to overextend ourselves. Anyway, read on for an amusing take on the issue.

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What about socialization? (from another angle)

Two women meet at a playground, where their children are swinging and playing ball. The women are sitting on a bench watching. Eventually, they begin to talk.

W1: Hi. My name is Maggie. My kids are the three in red shirts.

W2: (Smiles) I'm Terri. Mine are in the pink and yellow shirts. Do you come here a lot?

W1: Usually two or three times a week, after we go to the library.

W2: Wow. Where do you find the time?

W1: We home school, so we do it during the day most of the time.

W2: Some of my neighbors home school, but I send my kids to public school.

W1: How do you do it?

W2: It's not easy. I go to all the PTO meetings and work with the kids every day after school and stay real involved.

W1: But what about socialization? Aren't you worried about them being cooped up all day with kids their own ages, never getting the opportunity for natural relationships?

W2: Well, yes. But I work hard to balance that. They have some friends who're home schooled, and we visit their grandparents almost every month.

W1: Sounds like you're a very dedicated mom. But don't you worry about all the opportunities they're missing out on? I mean they're so isolated from real life -- how will they know what the world is like -- what people do to make a living -- how to get along with all different kinds of people?

W2: Oh, we discussed that at PTO, and we started a fund to bring real people into the classrooms. Last month, we had a policeman and a doctor come in to talk to every class. And next month, we're having a woman from Japan and a man from Kenya come to speak.

W1: Oh, we met a man from Japan in the grocery store the other week, and he got to talking about his childhood in Tokyo. My kids were absolutely fascinated. We invited him to dinner and got to meet his wife and their three children.

W2: That's nice. Hmm. Maybe we should plan some Japanese food for the lunchroom on Multicultural Day.

W1: Maybe your Japanese guest could eat with the children.

W2: Oh, no. She's on a very tight schedule. She has two other schools to visit that day. It's a system-wide thing we're doing.

W1: Oh, I'm sorry. Well, maybe you'll meet someone interesting in the grocery store sometime and you'll end up having them over for dinner.

W2: I don't think so. I never talk to people in the store -- certainly not people who might not even speak my language. What if that Japanese man hadn't spoken English?

W1: To tell you the truth, I never had time to think about it. Before I even saw him, my six-year-old had asked him what he was going to do with all the oranges he was buying.

W2: Your child talks to strangers?

W1: I was right there with him. He knows that as long as he's with me, he can talk to anyone he wishes.

W2: But you're developing dangerous habits in him. My children never talk to strangers.

W1: Not even when they're with you?

W2: They're never with me, except at home after school. So you see why it's so important for them to understand that talking to strangers is a big no-no.

W1: Yes, I do. But if they were with you, they could get to meet interesting people and still be safe. They'd get a taste of the real world, in real settings. They'd also get a real feel for how to tell
when a situation is dangerous or suspicious.

W2: They'll get that in the third and fifth grades in their health courses.

W1: Well, I can tell you're a very caring mom. Let me give you my number--if you ever want to talk, give me call. It was good to meet you.

--Author unknown

Happy Birthday to my writer

11 years ago tonight I was in the hospital, waiting for George to be born...

I'm going to write my annual list of "Things I love about George right now," but first a word about his latest writing project, which was just published online here. It's called "Commander Cat" and it's about a kid who finds a secret portal to an online gaming world, enters it, and ends up becoming their hero. He actually came up with the story when he was in kindergarten, on the playground--at recess he used to assign roles to a bunch of other kids and they would act out various parts of the story. He finally wrote it all out (changing it a fair amount in the process) for an online creative writing workshop he just finished through Northwestern's CTD.

***

Well, the way life goes these days, I started this post, and now a few weeks have gone by and I haven't finished it. So now it's after George's birthday, but I'm still going to write my list/letter.

Dear George,

You are now eleven and are quite the young man. You have always been wise beyond your years, but you have really matured by leaps and bounds since becoming a big brother. I catch myself even more often than I used to forgetting that you're a kid! Which in some ways you don't mind, because you hate it when adults patronize kids by having reduced expectations of them.

Despite all the maturing, of course, you're still the same wonderful George you've always been.... I continue to be very much in awe of your creativity! It flows through you. I love acting as your scribe when it's flowing too fast for you to keep up with yourself. I sit with my laptop on the leather couch up in the man cave while you pace back and forth, and around the pool table, dictating to me. When you pause, I used to think something like "Oh no, he's out of ideas for what's going to happen next," but it makes me laugh to remember that now because you are *never* out of ideas. It is great fun, and it feels like a great privilege, to witness your creative process in action.

But it's not just all of your amazing ideas that have me in awe. It's your tremendous facility, ability, in expressing them. You have such flair. You can turn a phrase like nobody's business. You are very aware of the conventions and devices of the various genres that you write in, and employ them with ease--and talk about them critically when questioned about them. At 10 (now 11), you are one of the best writers I know. (I mean one of the best writers I know personally :-)

I love that I can talk to you about just about anything.

I love that you took a CTD course called "Computer Gaming Academy," where you learned how to design computer games using a certain program, and you haven't stopped designing games ever since, and have even helped several of your friends (and your cousin, I think) design some games.

I love being able to homeschool you, and I love exploring different models of learning/schooling with you. I love that I can discuss those models with you as we explore them! That you're interested in that sort of thing. And I love that because you are homeschooled (increasingly unschooled), you have plenty of time for all of your creative endeavors. I hope I'm doing right by you. Sometimes homeschooling feels like a huge responsibility. I rarely wonder if public school would be a better option for you, but I do sometimes wonder if I'm approaching homeschooling in the best way possible for you. I'm definitely making it up as I go along! In any case, I do love being on that journey with you.

I love watching "Good Luck, Charlie" with you, and laughing and laughing.

I love what a sophisticated consumer of popular culture you are. You said to me one morning recently, "Have you ever noticed how kids' cereal commercials are all the same?" and then you proceeded to give me a critique/analysis of the common elements of about 5 different cereal commercials. You did the same about family sitcoms, pointing out various stock characters that always seem to be in play. It's funny because this kind of literary/cultural analysis is in some sense what I do for a living, but I think it comes easier to you than it does to me!

You know that most of all I love your kindness. And your incredible consideration for other people's feelings in all kinds of circumstances.

I love how sweet you are with your baby brother. Like how when Bob and I are playing tennis, you'll talk to Ben and play with him in the car until he's bored and then you'll put him in his stroller and walk him around the park. I love how you make him laugh.

I love your exuberance toward the band, and my songs, and my singing. (You are really great for my self-confidence!) I love it when you walk around the house singing--one minute it will be a song Bob and I have written, and the next it will be something from your choir, and the next it might be a song you're currently learning on recorder. So it's not just that I love how supportive you are of my music, I also love your involvement with and appreciation of all kinds of music.

I love how unflinching you are in the face of peer pressure. You are your own person. You do not live your life wondering, worrying, what other people think. It's not that you don't care what others think. But you're not going to let that stop you from doing or liking something. And it's another reason why I'm glad I'm able to homeschool you--that you don't have to deal with all of that pressure to conform all day long. I know from when you were in public school that the pressure to conform (much of which came from your teacher!) didn't ever really make you conform, but it did cause a lot of friction and unpleasantness in your day. And I love how you are almost sort of baffled when people you know are affected by peer pressure.

I just took another break in writing this post because you came up to the man cave, where I've been, and we talked and talked for like an hour... about church(es), about peer pressure, about school, homeschooling, and unschooling, about what we're going to do this afternoon to get out of the house, besides chess club (I'm off from teaching this week, and Bob's going to be cleaning the house so we want to get out of his way!).... I love our conversations, and I know you do, too (I know 'cuz you just told me). And I love that you love the man cave. That might sound silly or weird but I do. You have a sort of relationship to this space and I think it's really cool. You love to come up here in the morning before anyone else is up, especially if it's raining--sometimes you'll bring your pillow and blanket and a book (ok, it's never just one book--it's always a whole stack), and you'll snuggle up under your blanket on the couch and listen to the rain on the roof while you read.... I love it.

I guess it's time to get on with my/our day, so I'll wrap this up. But happy birthday, George. It's a privilege and a pleasure being your mom. I can't wait to see what fun things this next year will bring, what great stories you'll write, what new passions will develop (speaking of which, I feel this letter would be incomplete without a mention of Pokemon and Lego Ninjago, two of your current passions!).... Thanks for being you. I love you.

Love,
Mom

To Grade, or Not to Grade?

I'm late turning in my first quarterly report for George (shhhh! Don't tell the authorities--they seem not to have noticed yet). But it's not because I don't have it done. I actually finished it early, over a month ago. It's because I'm wrestling with the question of grades.

I'm not required by NYS to assign grades. I could just say he "passes" everything. Or even that he's "excellent" at everything--though even that brings up a similar set of questions.

Basically, if I give him grades, my question boils down to this: do I base them on his effort, his achievement relative to other 5th graders, or his achievement relative to what I think he's capable of?

There are arguments that could be made for and against each of the above options. Let's take effort. The effort he puts into things. He works hard at reading and writing (though actually, none of it feels like work to him, because it's his passion! But he spends an abundance of time and energy on these things), so based on that, it would be an easy call to give him an A. Ok, maybe this is a bad example--if we're going to hand out grades, there's no way he deserves anything other than an A in Language Arts. But you get my point. Should grades be assigned based on effort? Part of me likes the idea, and part of me thinks it's kind of, well, lame. Because you could try really hard at something and still not be good at it... is that going to earn you the blue ribbon? And of course you can try not very hard at all at something and still be quite good at it. So I think perhaps "achievement" is a better thing for grades to measure.

But if we are going to measure achievement, what do we base that on? If it's based on what he is achieving relative to other 5th graders, then I'd give him an A in everything, because he's ahead of grade level in everything. Does that render the grades meaningless? Maybe. Yet, isn't that in some sense what the grades are intended to measure in the first place? How well any given kid is doing based on what our expectations are for the given level?

Or do we measure achievement based on what I feel he could possibly, potentially achieve? What a slippery slope that is, however. Are there areas I feel he could be achieving more in? Perhaps. I mean, one could pretty much always do better in anything, at least potentially. So, I'm not sure that's such a helpful road to travel.

All of these things might point to not giving him any grades at all. On some level, that appeals to me. His learning is very much its own reward, and I think he would agree with that. Several years into this homeschooling thing, we've managed to find, in pretty much every area, curricula/approaches/work that are a great fit for him. He's passionate about learning, has been doing plenty of it, and seems to be very much enjoying it all.

On the other hand, I'm at least mildly concerned about building a transcript or record of some sort for him for his future endeavors. I know he's only 10. And probably I could always go back and fill in grades if he suddenly needed them for something.

Or maybe I'm still on some level attached to the idea of grades (having loved the feeling of getting good grades myself back in the day). Maybe the notion of George having straight As just makes me feel good. Or maybe I feel it somehow legitimizes what we're doing here. I know that probably sounds sort of dumb, but if I'm being honest, I think somewhere inside of me I do just like the idea of grades (just as well, since they're a big part of my job and all!!!!). I don't know.

Then there are the related issues of motivation and self-esteem. Take math. He's working ahead of grade level on it. But he's not as far ahead in math as he is in reading/writing, nor does he devote the time or energy to it that he devotes to words. So does he deserve a lower grade in it? Maybe. But I know he's learning the material, and I'd be willing to bet good money that what he's doing would earn him a solid A in school. But should I give him a slightly lower grade anyway, to inspire him to work harder at it? I could try that. But I'm afraid that might backfire. Despite his successes in math (including some very high scores on standardized tests), because it doesn't come as easily to him as other subjects have, he's convinced that he's "terrible" at it. I would hate to reinforce this view in any way, which a lower grade would likely do.

But, still on the self-esteem question, is giving him As for being ahead of grade-level simply rewarding him for being smart? I read a very convincing article awhile back about the importance of praising kids for their effort (something over which they have control) rather than for being intelligent (something they were born with and over which they have little control). Praising them for their hard work empowers them, while praising them for being smart makes their self-image too tied to the idea of being so, and makes them afraid to try new things that they might not be so good at and that might "reveal" that they aren't as smart as everyone thinks. (I wrote more about this in the past, here.) But maybe that's not so relevant. He is, after all, doing the above-grade-level work. I wouldn't be rewarding him simply for being *capable* of doing above-grade-level work.

I don't know. Probably I'm over-thinking this. Besides, I need to get on with my holiday preparations. I guess I'll give it another day or two, and then just decide. In the meantime, comments and suggestions are welcome!

Story Club: A Young Writers' Group

Inspired by a homeschooling (cyber) friend, and by my desire to support George in his creative writing this year, I decided to start a young writers' group. We had our first meeting Thursday, and so far so good!

The idea is this: once a month the kids will pick a genre out of a hat, and will have all month to write a story in that genre. At the meeting, they'll be encouraged to read the story they've written (plus anything else they've written that month and want to share). Hopefully these readings will generate some discussion and further thought. We'll also play some writing games, especially the one where each person writes down two sentences of a new story, and then passes the paper to the person on their left, who adds two sentences of their own, etc. etc., until everyone ends up with the story they began, which they then finish off, and then read to the group. (Does that game have a name?!)

For the first meeting, I decided we should have a discussion about genres--I wanted the kids to list as many genres as they could think of, and then go down the list together and discuss what each one was (and maybe give some examples), and then decide which 8 suggested ones should make it onto our final list. I wanted the number to be 8, because there will be 8 subsequent meetings, and I want each kid to have a chance to write a story in each genre over the course of the year.

George and I had talked a lot about this in advance, and had come up with several genres ahead of time, in case the discussion stalled out. We needn't have worried. Our little group (5 kids including George, though at least 4 more are planning on coming next time) had plenty of ideas! Most of the time I just acted as scribe and tried to stay out of their way, as they really were off and running.

The 8 genres they settled on are: action/adventure, comedy, tall tales/mythology, plays/graphic novels/poetry, memoir/autobiography, historical fiction, science fiction/fantasy, and horror/mystery. You'll notice there are a lot of compound categories; this is partly because it was hard to narrow it down to 8 and partly because the kids wanted to offer flexibility in some of the categories (for example, several of them were very enthusiastic about including poetry, but one or two of the kids weren't so thrilled about that. Ditto for plays. So they decided those genres should be combined with graphic novels, so no one would have to feel forced to write a poem or a play).

After we had our list, we turned our attention to the game. I've played this game with my intermediate and advanced language students at the university (in Italian, of course), and it's always great fun and often quite hilarious. What I didn't really anticipate was that some of the kids would feel kind of uncomfortable with the direction in which the other kids took their stories! I guess they were feeling quite invested in the stories that they had begun ("I can't *believe* Indiana Jones ended up getting eaten by a shark!"--uttered with great dismay). So if I had it to do over again, I would explain that aspect a little better before starting, and prepare them for the fact that they would have no control over where the story went once they passed it on (but that if they had in mind a particular progression for the story, they could always write that story themselves later). In any case, I explained that at the end, and they were all pretty much ok with it at that point. They seemed to be able to let go and embrace the creativity and whimsy and humor of it. There was definitely much laughter when the end products were read aloud.

Then it was time to pick their genres for the month. We also decided that each month we'd highlight one genre, and the kids would each find a book to read in the highlighted genre to come back and report on/discuss with each other next time. Probably, if we do the story-writing activity again, they'll try to make their composite stories be in that month's highlighted genre.

Overall, it went even better than I had hoped. The kids seemed to have a great time, and seem excited about it. And I'm excited about it, too. It was deeply rewarding watching these kids interact with one another and work together. It was also, quite frankly, highly entertaining, as there are some very sharp wits in the group.

Sitting at the table with the kids, and thinking about it afterwards, I have found myself feeling the way I've been feeling a lot so far this year: kind of surprised and very happy that we really have managed to find or create so much of what I once feared that George would miss out on by being homeschooled. He has plenty of friends. And he is in plenty of group situations with other kids where he gets to work in all different kinds of ways: small- and large-group projects; independent projects that are later shared; more academic enterprises like Story Club, and more recreational ones; groups with very rigid rules and structure (such as Tae Kwon Do), and groups with no stated rules at all (weekly playgroup).... I really don't see that he's missing out on any of the good things. I'm so glad that we've found our way here, and that we can make it work.

A few pics:

Proud Mama

My boys are having a great day today!

First, George got elected president of his Campfire Kids troop (a co-ed, hippy version of scouts. I should add that I don't really know if the national organization of Campfire is so much more hippy than scouts, but our local homeschool troop definitely is!). Here was the speech he gave:

Please don't feel like you have to vote for me because you're my friend. If you do vote for me, I want it to be because you think I'd do the best job. I have a lot of experience with public speaking, so I think I'd do a pretty good job as president.

Now, if you've been reading this blog from the beginning, you may recall that George ran for president of his homeschool government class a couple of years ago, and lost. So I was really proud of him for having the courage to run.

And I'm really happy for him that he's finding ample opportunities to explore his interests and talents. It was one of the things I was worried about when we made the decision to homeschool full-time, that he wouldn't have the chance to experience certain things that I knew he would really enjoy and that usually happen in a school setting, like running in an election. And here he is, only a couple of years later, having gotten to experience both losing and winning. I'm also proud of how humble he is about all of this:-) He took it totally in stride, and also felt bad for his friend who ran against him--who, by the way, did get elected VP.

As for my other boy, he sat up today for the first time! He's been working up to it, almost sitting up, for a long, long time. But today was the first day where he stayed up long enough that we felt it could really "count". Correcting himself when he was about to fall over and such. Both Bob and I were sitting right here with him when he did it. Proud, happy moment!

Let's hope the evening goes just as well as the afternoon did, as Bob and I have a gig with the band downtown in a few hours. It's a quick (half-hour) gig at a downtown block party jointly held by the University and the city, called Communiversity Fest. Ok, gotta go get ready to rock!

Back to School (ish)

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written! (Actually, I started many posts over the summer which I would then abandon when the baby needed me, and then I'd forget to get back to them. I did recently get around to posting one I had started on Father's Day about Ben and Bob. Maybe I'll be filling in some more as time goes by.) In any case, as you can imagine, I've been a little busy all summer, with the sweetest little baby around, but also with work, and with the older kids. George was home a lot (didn't go to as many camps as he has in past years), and Brad and Lindsey, my stepkids, were with us all summer. It was crazy and hectic in some respects, but it was also great to have that bonding time as a family.

Anyway, Brad and Lindsey are back at school and living with their mom most of the time, and our homeschooling is pretty much back in full swing. I'm on maternity leave this semester (hooray for my dean), but will continue to work on several things including the journal I edit.

I thought long and hard about what I wanted to accomplish with George this year, and talked to him about it extensively. There are those who think I should make George do at least some academic things that he doesn't particularly enjoy (just every so often, because that's life), but I'm perfectly satisfied merely to make him endure chores that he doesn't enjoy and leave it at that. I really don't see any reason to make school unpleasant for him. First of all, that's a big reason why we homeschool! So that I can tailor the work to his learning styles/abilities, so that he gets the most out of it. Second of all, if it's unpleasant for him, believe me, it's unpleasant for me. And who needs that?! So, anyway, I have had many discussions with George about what his expectations and desires and goals are, and together we came up with the following plans:

MATH: Math was so traumatic last year! I even considered skipping it altogether this year, to make up for the anguish I made him endure last year because I didn't want to let him quit a program I had spent a small fortune on, even when it became utterly clear it was a terrible fit for him. But rather than abandoning math altogether, I really wanted to find at least a few things he could do that he would actually enjoy, to try to see if he could maybe even have a little fun with math. What we came up with was the first two books in the Life of Fred series, which are roughly equivalent to 5th-grade math, I think. Also, he'll continue to play math-based computer games like Timez Attack (which has painlessly taught him his times tables). We may also work through the Descartes' Cove math CD series, though when we tried it last year it was still a little too hard for him. Will all of this be enough? I don't know. Enough for what, anyway? The Life of Fred author claims that there is enough math in the series, if you follow it to the end, to get you through college-level math classes. I think that's going to be good enough for me, at least for 5th grade. Seriously, if he falls behind he can always catch up later, and it's more important to me right now that he find a way not to hate math, and maybe even to love it.

SCIENCE: We bought the complete middle school/high school PLATO online curriculum (through the Homeschool Buyers Co-op), but with the idea that all George really needed to do to make it worth our while was the award-winning middle school science series (which CTY uses for their middle school science courses, at greatly increased cost--admittedly, with increased support as well). There are three separate courses: Life Science, Earth and Space Science, and Physical Science. He's well into the Earth and Space one (started it over the summer) and is loving it so far.

ENGLISH: Reading takes care of itself with George, and so do spelling and vocabulary-building and such. As for writing, I kind of wanted him to take another CTY reading/writing course--he's done two and they were fantastic--but he decided he's more interested in a course offered by Northwestern's CTD called Family Vignettes. Here's the course description:

It has been said that family stories are heirlooms held in the heart, not the hand. Every family has favorite memories, often with multiple versions, dependent on the person who is telling the tale. Learn to create short, written, impressionistic scenes that focus on a single moment or event in a family’s memory and discover a particular insight into a character, idea or setting. To tell these stories well, students must pay attention to details, refine their writing skills and in turn, become more thoughtful readers and writers in other contexts. The final products of this class are treasured.

He's going to wait until the winter session to do that class, though. For now he'll focus on various creative writing projects and also on learning to type, which he's finally excited about doing. For that we're using Type to Learn, which we also bought through the Homeschool Buyers Co-op at a significant discount. Honestly, if the main thing he accomplishes this year in writing is to learn how to type well, I'll be happy. It will be such an important skill for him--for everyone, really, but especially for someone who really loves to write. As for handwriting, I do think he could stand some work in that area as well, but I'm going to wait on that for now. I think one boring-but-essential mechanical skill at a time is enough.

SOCIAL STUDIES: I had thought he might like to do the American History course on PLATO, but he did a few units over the summer and quickly tired of it. I'm not going to sweat it. Learned that lesson with math last year. Besides, there are sooooo many ways to learn history. We're going to watch the History Channel video series "America: The Story of US", which we actually started watching last year but didn't make it all the way through. They're decent videos, and I'm grateful to the History Channel for sending them to educators for free. But they aren't terribly nuanced or critical, so to balance them out he'll read Howard Zinn's "A Young People's History of the United States." I think those two things would give him a really decent overview of American history, but on top of that we're going to build a curriculum around the Williamsburg virtual field trip series (again, something we bought through the Homeschool Buyers Co-op--at 90% off! Maybe it sounds like I'm doing a commercial for this Co-op. I'm not. It's free to join anyway. I'm just so happy that I found it, because it's saved me a ton of money and has also brought a lot of great materials to my attention). It's a program of seven live broadcasts on a variety of topics, and it looks like it could be great fun. I haven't fully explored all of the study materials that come along with it, but from what I have seen it looks like it would be pretty easy to spend a lot of time (if that's what we want) preparing for them and then wrapping them up. I'm looking forward to watching them myself. The first one (Oct. 14) is called "The Will of the People", and here's its description: "One of the most bitter presidential campaigns in U. S. history is part of a surprising lesson for a 21st-century student. Thomas Jefferson explains how negative campaigning, partisan politics, and contested elections have been part of our political system since the earliest days of the republic."

MUSIC & THE ARTS: Recorder lessons, with a fantastic teacher who is a great musician and teacher and also totally "gets" George. I've probably written about her before. She's really top-notch, teaching him the basics like reading music but also having him write his own pieces, and improvise as part of his daily practice, and play songs different ways expressing different things, etc. And church choir, with arguably the best choirmaster in town. (People who aren't even Episcopalian have been known to join the choir at our church to be able to work with him.) I was in a church choir briefly when I was a kid and I remember getting together every so often and learning some nice hymns and putting together a special program at Christmas and such, but this is something else. He really gives the kids a thorough musical education. I'm so glad George has taken to it. In addition to those things, we'll take him to concerts, plays, operas, art exhibits, etc., and of course expose him to plenty of rock and blues via Voodoo Highway :-)

PHYS ED: Tae Kwon Do... as close to 3 days a week as we can swing. Also, running around and playing outside both at the weekly homeschool playgroup and with the neighborhood kids after school, as long as the weather permits. I'm trying to talk George's dad into taking him to the park once a week for a bike ride. And I'm going to try to get George to come with me sometimes when I walk with Ben. Honestly, this will probably be the most challenging area to keep up with (I mean, once the pool is closed). I'm considering buying a trampoline... if I can find a cheap one that seems reasonably safe.

In addition to the subjects mentioned so far, he'll be participating in plenty of other group and individual activities, like "Cooking and Pop Culture" with my BFF Laurie, and Chess Club, and Campfire Kids (kind of like a more hippie version of Boy Scouts), and Shakespeare in the spring, and probably Odyssey of the Mind, etc. etc. Also, he'll have various daily/weekly chores. So, he'll be keeping busy!

I'm hoping to strike a good balance this year, giving him just enough structure so that he can really thrive, but also giving him freedom to run with his interests. I'm not so concerned that he cover everything that a 5th grader would cover in public school. My approach is more that I want him to be able to explore what he's passionate about, while continuing to develop his talents and skills that will serve him in whatever his future endeavors will be (most likely including--but not limited to--college). And I want him to have a great time doing it. And I want to be able to facilitate it all while still being able to devote ample time and energy to my job. And my new baby. And stepkids. And marriage. And the band. And.... Well, you get the idea. Wish me luck.

Read, Play, Learn. With Confidence!

A great piece in the New York Times about education was recently brought to my attention. It was about how misguided current educational policy is. It made some really great points about childhood learning, such as:

"developmental precursors don’t always resemble the skill to which they are leading. For example, saying the alphabet does not particularly help children learn to read. But having extended and complex conversations during toddlerhood does. Simply put, what children need to do in elementary school is not to cram for high school or college, but to develop ways of thinking and behaving that will lead to valuable knowledge and skills later on."

It goes on to specify what kids ought to have mastered by the time they're about 12:

"They should be able to read a chapter book, write a story and a compelling essay; know how to add, subtract, divide and multiply numbers; detect patterns in complex phenomena; use evidence to support an opinion; be part of a group of people who are not their family; and engage in an exchange of ideas in conversation. If all elementary school students mastered these abilities, they would be prepared to learn almost anything in high school and college."

It then describes an ideal 3rd-grade classroom, one that would foster the attainment of the goals stated above. Basically, there would be lots of time for reading, conversing, playing, and exploring, with a bit of time for writing (specifically, writing things that are actually meaningful to the child--stories, letters, cartoons, etc.) and basic math skills.

If school were really like that, I probably wouldn't be homeschooling! Actually, George did attend a school like that (and if you've read this blog for long or if you know George you surely know all about it), if all too briefly.... But in any case, this line of thinking pretty much mirrors my own, and the description of the ideal classroom is quite close to what I aspire to do with George's homeschooling days much of the time. (Apart from the times when he's taking a non-self-paced course and is devoting much of his time to one particular subject, that is.)

And I have to say, it's nice to see that point of view articulated and advocated, because even though most of the time I'm fairly confident about how I'm proceeding with George, it's still too easy for me to second-guess myself sometimes, and to feel like I ought to be making sure he has a lot more structured learning.

I wish I could have that old second-time confidence the first time around! I mean, I'm so much more relaxed with Ben, having been through all of this baby stuff before. It's not that I was an uptight mom with George; I really wasn't. And I very much followed my own instincts with him, even though they didn't exactly coincide with what I had been told or was being told about parenting (though that changed when I eventually discovered, many months into it, that what I was doing with him was actually a "thing," and it had a name: "attachment parenting"). But even though I knew deep inside of me that my parenting approach with George was what was right for him, there was still a level or a layer of self-doubt, however subtle.

This time around, with Ben, that's completely gone. And I don't miss it one bit! It's not just a matter of "this feels right to me"; it's that I've done it before, and I know it works. I wish I could bring that level and consistency of confidence to my directing of George's homeschooling, even though it's my first time through.

But I guess the trail has to be blazed first....

Neither the Baby nor the Band

I thought it was time for at least a quick post about homeschooling, which hasn't been *entirely* lost in the shuffle these days....

As I've probably mentioned, in the afternoons George usually has some sort of activity (or two). MWF he has Tae Kwon Do, but he also has Shakespeare class on Mondays, homeshcool play group on Tuesdays, recorder lessons and "library/Barnes and Noble day" on Wednesdays, and cooking/pop culture class with best pal Laurie on Thursdays. He was doing Spanish and swim/gym at the YMCA on Friday afternoons, but we've cut that out since my 9th month of pregnancy--it was just too much!

Anyway, so afternoon is activity time, which leaves mornings for academics. And for the last two months, George has been focusing mainly on an online course he's been taking through Northwestern University's CTD (Center for Talented Development) called Computer Gaming Academy.

At the beginning, the weekly assignments were very brief and easy to complete in a few hours or so. When we had a crazy couple of weeks at home when George's play on campus was running and I was in the hospital having the baby, George and I agreed that he needed a little break from his online class, and his teacher readily agreed that it would be no problem for him to make up the work after his play was over. But there did turn out to be one slight problem: right at that time the assignments got a lot more intense, and he has been running to try to catch up ever since!

I'm not clear on all the details, because I'm barely supervising him in this class at all (although I have tried out most of the games he's made). When he's done online math or reading/writing classes, even though he always has an online instructor, I've usually been right there next to him, encouraging him to push himself and to check his work... and in some cases learning a thing or two myself. But computer gaming really isn't my cup of tea. (It's not that I don't appreciate a good computer game, but I couldn't be less interested in, or knowledgeable about, computer programming and such.) Not to mention the fact that I've been a bit preoccupied! So when he's gotten stuck, I've been completely unable to help him, apart from offering a bit of encouragement.

Anyway, he has been working very hard and enjoying it, and I'm glad, and I'm proud of his progress. But at the same time, I'll be glad when the course ends on Thursday--it's been eating up so much of his time and energy. I'll be happy not to feel the pressure of deadlines with him. It's been nice to have the structure of an academic class again, which I had kind of been missing since we had taken a break from math. I think it's very valuable for him to have that from time to time. But when does have it, it pretty much takes over, and takes away from other things that I think are also highly valuable, such as reading and creative play and writing stories.

Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to write about... but I'm afraid it's going to have to wait until later; time to get on with our day!

History, lists, moods, and breakfast

Friday morning I decided I wanted to take George out to breakfast--we have so little time left where it's just the two of us! And I knew Brad and Lindsey (my stepkids) were coming Saturday for several days because it's their spring break, and soon after that my mom is coming because the baby is due super soon, and then of course the baby will be born and chaos will reign for who-knows-how-long, so I really wanted to spend a little special time with George. It almost didn't happen because I had a terrible night's sleep the night before and was trying to sleep in; I had given George the strictest instructions not to wake me up for ANYthing.

Well, about an hour later he came in to wake me up because he had hit his head "really hard". Did I jump into mommy action to help him feel better? No! I told him to get out because I was sound asleep and wanted to try to stay asleep! (Mom of the year, I know.) Well, once awake I realized I was parched, so I had to go get some water, and then I realized I was starving, and it was clear I wasn't going to fall right back to sleep. I was in the foulest of moods.

But then the coolest thing happened. It just popped into my head that I could really decide how the rest of the morning was going to go, that it was pretty much up to me at that point. And I decided that it was going to go great. I went into George's room, and he immediately began apologizing profusely--poor thing! He's a little too familiar with what a foul mood I can be in when I've been awakened prematurely.... Anyway, I stopped him, and apologized myself for not sympathizing with him before, and asked him if he was ready for breakfast. Off we went to our favorite neighborhood diner (which used to be an Arby's; what it lacks in atmosphere it more than makes up for with rock-bottom prices, very decent food, and great service).

We had a wonderful breakfast. He's such delightful company! We talked quite a bit about his homeschooling, and about what our plans are or should be for the rest of the year. I know I'm not going to have the energy or time to supervise much, and there are only a couple of months left anyway. And right now he's *really* busy with the play he's in on campus (plus the Shakespeare play, plus recorder, plus a course called Computer Gaming Academy through Northwestern's CTD that he's recently started...). But I wanted to feel like we had a plan for after the play is over and the baby is born, a couple of weeks from now. I do feel that he has been floundering a bit lately with his schoolwork and I wanted to come up with a workable plan that he'd be excited about and that would be very easy to follow.

What we came up with was a sort of "unit" on American history. I've gotten him several books on American history lately that he's excited about reading, but he keeps not getting around to it. So we decided that once the play is over, he will read these books for an hour and a half a day, and then he can explore some history websites for another half hour or so a day. And he'll watch three American-history-themed documentaries each week. While he's working on all of this, he'll be noticing what aspects of American history he wants to study more in-depth next year.

It's a pretty simple plan (especially considering he usually spends several hours a day reading anyway, and loves to watch the History Channel), but on the heels of our experiment with radical unschooling I have been feeling like he is needing a little more structure. He seems a bit adrift--he keeps busy, but it's sort of all-over-the-place and almost kind of chaotic. He's not quite as grounded as he usually is, and I've been feeling that the blame lies with me, for being rather distracted and scattered myself. I also have been feeling like he's not doing quite enough, or like maybe he's not learning enough. I'm hoping that having a plan like this will help.

Anyway, while we were on the topic of history, we had a great conversation about WWI and WWII and various other wars, and about Machiavelli, and politics and human nature, and it struck me that this kid is learning all kinds of things, actually. I couldn't possibly have had a conversation like that at his age. Maybe not even until I was in grad school. I mean, if someone had talked to me the way that I talk to him on a regular basis when I was his age, I'm pretty sure I could've handled it, but no one ever did talk to me that way about such things. So then we talked about that, and about the kind of uncritical approach to history that I was being fed in school when I was his age, and for the next several years after that. It struck me once again that he really is always learning, that he is growing up in a pretty stimulating environment, that he's always paying attention and that he's learning *plenty* (despite the fact that, for example, I've abandoned our 5th-grade math curriculum at least for now!). It was pretty reassuring. What a journey of doubt and discovery I'm on as a homeschooling parent.

So, getting back to John Taylor Gatto, as I promised in my last post.... The other thing we did at breakfast was to make a list (as suggested by Gatto) of what George wants to be when he grows up, and then make a list of the activities he is doing on a regular basis to prepare himself for those professions. He came up with four things he'd like to be: actor, author, cartoonist, and video game designer. We made the list of activities only for the first thing, actor--but he had so many items to list! Here they are:

--Acting in plays
--Reading plays
--Watching plays
--Acting workshop/class
--Role playing/imaginative play
--Public speaking/reading (at church)
--Singing (church choir)

I'm looking forward to making the other lists with him. Who knows what he'll really end up doing when he grows up, but regardless it was so much fun to think about all of the ways he spends his time and how all of the things he does are furthering his development as a person, in ways that we both value.

John Taylor Gatto

I've been meaning to write about John Taylor Gatto's talks that I went to way back in February at the unschooling conference, but well, I've been just a little bit busy. But I made use of some of his advice the other morning, so I thought maybe it was time to talk about him a bit.

If you don't know who John Taylor Gatto is, I recommend looking into it and finding out. He's a fascinating guy. Was a NYC teacher for many years, and won the NYC teacher of the year award three times. After he won it for the third time he resigned, speaking in front of the state govt. in Albany and publishing his resignation speech in the New York Times, saying that he thought that school actually hurts children and he didn't want to take part in it anymore. He has spent his time since then writing books and speaking around the country about education.

He said a lot of things, more than I can cover here obviously. But I'll just go over a few of them. One thing was that we baby our children for too long--and that's not doing them any favors. By expecting so little of them (that is, by not expecting them to be self-directed, contributing members of society until they're 21 or so) we are short-changing them. He had so many amazing stories about his students who had accomplished incredible things by about age 15 or so... he served as their mentor, helping them to find and seize opportunities based on their experiences and interests, and he recommended that we do the same with our children. Help them find or create an internship, or to start a business. Have them volunteer at a charity that interests them or where they will build skills that will help them attain their future goals, and make sure to talk to whoever is running the charity and tell that person not to patronize your kid, but to expect of your kid what would be expected of any volunteer, regardless of age. It got George and me talking about what he could do, and we've been thinking that next year he might possibly start volunteering as a tutor in his old kindergarten classroom once a week or so; if it goes really well, he could possibly start his own tutoring business from there. We'll see!

Another thing Gatto suggested was to have your kid think of what he wanted to do with his life, and then sit down and make a list of the skills needed to do that, and then brainstorm about ways to acquire or hone those skills. The idea is that kids should be more actively involved in planning and directing their education. I actually really liked this idea, and have been meaning to do this with George for quite some time now. We finally got around to at least getting started with it yesterday. But I think I'm really too tired to write about it now, so I'll leave the rest for tomorrow....

Cindy Sheehan comes to town

In my spare time (ha), I joined with some local peace activists and helped organize bringing Cindy Sheehan to our area. If you don't know who she is, she is a mother who lost her son, Casey, fairly early on in the Iraq war. While she initially supported the war, as time wore on she changed her mind and became a major spokesperson for the peace movement, setting up "Camp Casey" across the road from Bush's ranch in Texas, then founding the group Gold Star Families for Peace, writing several books, and running for Congress against Nancy Pelosi, and ended up being nominated for a Nobel peace prize.

Her visit was to have begun with a press conference at the local UU, followed by a pot-luck lunch with her and the organizers. Unfortunately, her plane was delayed, so she was not able to make either of those events. We hadn't gotten the memo, though, so we showed up anyway, and I'm so glad we did, because the lunch was lovely. It was a beautiful day, and we enjoyed their outdoor labyrinth (joined for awhile by several others, including one older lady who introduced us to a labyrinth/chase game she used to play as a child called "Fox and Geese") while we waited for lunch. It was pretty much the most exercise I'd gotten in quite awhile!

Anyway, then it was time for lunch, and it was great sitting around the table talking peace with a bunch of wonderful people. One of the best parts of it for me was seeing George in that element. He fit right in, and even joined in the conversation, in completely appropriate ways. For example, we were all talking about how Obama had run as the anti-war president, but he wasn't exactly living that out. George chimed in with, "And wasn't it ironic that while he was giving his acceptance speech for the Nobel peace prize he was getting ready to send more troops to Afghanistan!" This kid pays attention:-) He made several other comments throughout the lunch, and I was really happy. Of course with the content of his remarks, but much more than that, with his confidence and his social skills and his ability to take part in and contribute to a discussion like that, with about 20 adults or so. (So much for homeschoolers not learning any social skills, or not having any opportunities to use them, thankyouverymuch!)

After lunch and the exhausting game of Fox and Geese we headed home to rest for a little while, and then went back out to a local bookstore where Cindy was going to appear for a book-signing (and give her press conference). When she arrived, we went up to her to greet her, and she had already heard about George. He gave her a picture he had drawn for her to sign.

Before starting to sign things, she talked a bit about her take on politics, peace, and society. It was a great little talk, in my opinion. She said that when she first started out on this journey of questioning, she thought that George Bush and the war in Iraq were the problem, but she has come to realize that they were merely symptoms of a larger problem. She talked about how it's really all about class--how there are two classes, the robbers (the very rich/governing class) and those they rob from. She said that those in power actually foster division among the rest of us (Republican/Democrat, gay/straight, Christian/not, conservative/liberal, etc.) so that we will be too busy fighting with each other to notice how they're robbing us blind in the meantime. Robbing us of our money, our civil rights, our democracy, and in some cases our children and our lives. In response she was calling for a revolution of sorts--albeit a nonviolent one. What she has in mind is for each of us to resist patronizing corporate America as much as possible--living off the grid when possible, growing our own food, patronizing local merchants and farmers' markets, and being active in politics on the local level, since she sees national politics at this point as too corrupt to penetrate. The way to change things, she suggests, is from the bottom up. She also talked about several other things, but I'll refer you to her books if you're interested!

While I loved her message, I think I was even more impressed with her demeanor and her warmth. Losing a child is just about the worst thing that I could imagine happening to a person, and I wouldn't blame someone for being hardened and bitter after that. But she really didn't strike me that way. She was gracious and kind and centered and funny, and it was really a joy getting to meet her. And whether or not you agree with her, I think, you kinda have to hand it to her for taking her personal tragedy and turning it into a life's work doing what she firmly believes will make the world a better place.



Here's the picture George drew for her to autograph:


And here's the picture that ended up in our local paper...(too bad George had just turned his head aside!):


Apparently we also made it onto the local news, but I recorded the wrong channel so didn't get to see it. Oh well!

Breaking up with RU (Radical Unschooling)

Dear Radical Unschooling,

I'm sorry, but it's just not going to work out between us. I gave it my best shot, but I've become convinced that we're just not right for each other.

You might say I didn't give us enough of a chance. That if I'd stuck it out longer I would have seen that we were perfect for each other. But I just don't think so.

The thing is, I do have an idea in my head of the kind of person I want my son to be. You might call that controlling, and you might say that control is an illusion, and that if I'm imposing my ideas on him I'm just messing with him, that I should stand back (or stand very nearby) and let him develop entirely into the person he wants to be, that he chooses to be. Perhaps this could even be true if the world were different. But with so many influences raining down on him all the time from our culture, I feel that if I don't step in a bit I'm not really letting him grow up to be free, I'm merely ceding my role as guide to the media, etc. I think that as his mom I have a thing or two over the corporate/consumer culture that is constantly, subtly and not-so-subtly, bombarding kids with messages regarding what they should value and who they should be. And if I don't speak up and yes, sometimes insist, that culture will play too formative a role in his development. And as his mom, I don't want that. And I actually do believe that is my right (and maybe even my responsibility) as his parent to want or not want that for him, and to act accordingly.

I know you're asking me who I am to insist that my son spend his time in particular ways. What makes me think that he should spend only a limited amount of time, decided upon by me, playing video games or watching tv, for example, as opposed to reading books? If I happen to think that books are more valuable than tv/video games, that's merely my opinion, and I should let him form his own conclusions, right? Sorry; I don't buy it. I really don't.

Let me tell you, RU, I have nothing in particular against the tv or video games. I enjoy them plenty. And I also know that there are plenty of truly educational tv programs and video games, and also that one can learn a lot even from shows and games that are not at all meant to be educational. But there has to be a balance. And with all the tv programming for kids that there is nowadays, I'm sorry but I don't trust that my son would "eventually" self-regulate. I gave this unlimited tv thing a try. And George enjoyed it, for sure. He found a whole bunch of new programs that he loved and started watching on a regular basis. I don't have a problem with that, except that it's all he wanted to do. And with all the cable channels we have, there is *always* something new to watch. And for awhile he was simultaneously watching the tv and playing his Nintendo DS. For hours on end. At the end of which he'd be completely strung out. I felt him slipping away into his own little electronic world. Seriously, his personality changes when he has too much screen time. His sense of humor, normally so sharp and verbal and sophisticated, regressed into mild obnoxiousness. This just does not happen when he spends the whole day reading. And honestly, I don't think it's good for him as a human being!

Yes, I do have an idea of the person I want him to be, and that person is very well educated, and well read. Call me a snob if you must, but I'll counter that I think that such a person can also be well versed in pop culture. I truly have no problem with that, and am quite well versed in pop culture myself. For crying out loud, I'm in a rock band, and I love so-called "reality" tv. If I had more time, I'd actually read People magazine from cover to cover on a regular basis. But again, there has to be a balance as far as I'm concerned.

I want George to grow up reading. All kinds of things. From comic books to the classics. Reading engages your mind in a particular way that electronic media simply does not, in my experience. In a way that I value. It gives you a broader perspective on humanity and the human experience, and sharpens your analytical skills more than electronic media can. I think it makes you a more sophisticated consumer of electronic media, and in the days of "infotainment" and almost non-stop advertising and completely bogus political propaganda being slung around all over the place by around-the-clock stations like Fox "News" (and all the rest of them, really), being a sophisticated consumer of rhetoric is of vital importance. If you are not thoroughly versed in the ways of rhetoric, or at least in possession of a critical approach to and understanding of the ways in which people use language to shape "reality" for you, you are a sitting duck for corporations and politicians who would manipulate you into following them headlong into what's best for them, which at least as often as not is not going to be what's best for you. And I'll tell you what I see: people who are well read and/or well educated tend to be less likely to fall prey to that sort of thing. It was certainly true for me that in graduate school, when I became a much more sophisticated reader than I ever had been, I also became a more sophisticated consumer of both popular and political culture, and that spilled over into all areas of my life, making me a much more empowered human being.

I want that for my son. And I'm going to do what I can to make sure he gets it.

So, anyway, RU, I hope there are no hard feelings. I wish you all the best, and I know you'll continue to thrive in many places, among many families. Just not mine.

The Unschooling thing

Unschooling has been on my mind a lot lately, pretty much ever since I went to the unschooling conference earlier last month and discovered that I'm not really an unschooler. Well, not a real one, anyway. Turns out to be a true unschooler you pretty much have to not insist on anything from your child. It's not just a homeschooling approach; it's a parenting philosophy as well. If there's something you want your child to do (being helpful around the house, or being polite, for example), you lead by example and can talk to them about what's important from your perspective, but leave it completely up to them whether or not they follow. Unschoolers also do not worry about what their children are or aren't learning--it is completely up to the child what to focus on and when. You might think that this sounds like neglect, but from what I've seen nothing could be further from the truth. The parents I've encountered who choose this style of homeschooling/parenting are extraordinarily dedicated parents, who work hard to provide all sorts of educational opportunities in areas where their kids express interest. And the unschooled kids I met at the conference seemed, actually, to be very nice kids (articulate, interesting, well-socialized, "together", etc.). Here's a definition of radical unschooling that I found on an unschooling site:

Unschooling will look different in different families, and "radical unschooling" simply means extending the philosophy of unschooling (that children will learn what they need to know when they are ready and want to learn it) into every other aspect of life (i.e. children will go to sleep when they are tired, eat when they are hungry, and will learn to be a functioning, helpful member of a family/household without being forced/required to do things like chores, given punishments, limited on tv/videogames, etc.)

I find this concept to be both intriguing and kind of horrifying. It goes counter to so many things in our society (which could be both a plus and a minus, I suppose).

Children who are unschooled often take classes and follow curricula--*if* and when they so choose. Parents who unschool their children say that their kids hardly ever spend the whole day watching tv or playing video games; they say that because these things are not limited, their children aren't obsessed with them. I see the logic in this argument; I really do. And when George had lice last fall, and I told him he could do whatever he wanted until it cleared up, he did spend about three full days on his Nintendo DS but then was quite bored with it and went back to reading. Does that prove the point? Well, I must admit that it kind of does. Do I continue to limit his game/tv time? Well, yes I do. But back to that in a minute.

There are two separate but of course related issues here, one having to do with parenting in general and one having to do with schooling. I'm actually grappling more with the schooling end of things. I'm pretty happy with my parenting in general and also with the person George is turning out to be. Of course I believe that in any area there is always room for improvement, so I am enjoying being on an unschoolers list-serv and considering the different points of view presented there.

But I feel like George and I have a pretty authentic, balanced, respectful, trusting relationship (not unlike the relationship I had with my parents when I was growing up), despite the fact that on occasion there is an imbalance of power. Because I've been around a lot longer than he has, there are some things that I know that he doesn't. And while I'm always willing to listen to and consider his point of view, and will follow it on many things, I feel that insisting on certain things like a bedtime is truly in his best interests. When he doesn't get enough sleep he becomes very irritable and difficult to be around, which adversely affects both him and everyone around him. He really turns into a different kid. Argumentative, edgy, angry, volatile, sometimes even explosive. I understand; I become those things, too, when I haven't had enough sleep! I truly do. As an adult, I do my best to insure that I get at least a minimum of sleep so that that doesn't happen too much. But I can't expect George to do that for himself, not when it would mean voluntarily removing himself from whatever is going on with the rest of the family pretty much every evening (George wakes up early, no matter what, so he has to go to bed by about 8 or so. My husband and I stay up a bit later than that, of course, and when my stepkids are here, they are also allowed to stay up until at least 9--they generally sleep a bit later than George does). This is one example--actually, the main one (though a similar phenomenon happens when he has too much screen time)--where I feel it works best for our family and for George himself for me to insist on something from him.

Back to academics.... The theory, as stated above, says that kids will learn what they need when they need it, and it's not up to us to force-feed them anything at all. This sounds pretty radical, yes. But there are so many examples I've heard of since I've really been looking into this lately. Mostly having to do with math/science, which coincidentally is what's most on my mind. One unschooled girl was never required to do any math and when she was of high school age she was doing a building project of some sort that was important to her, and she suddenly found that she needed a mathematical formula to figure something out. She went right to the computer and did a little research, and within 15 minutes had found the formula and figured out how to use it. Another kid decided she really wanted to go to college and found out that there was an entrance requirement of chemistry, in which she lacked any interest or training. She decided to take an online college-level chemistry class, worked really hard for the duration of the term, and got an A. Getting either of these kids to study these things sooner, when they really didn't see the point and had no interest in them, would likely have produced different (less desirable) results.

At the same time, as I've stated before, I am a proponent of a well-rounded education. I believe that people benefit from studying different things. Even things they aren't particularly interested in. That each discipline has its own way(s) of seeing the world, and that one can only benefit from being exposed to such diversity of perspective. Plus, you might discover that you love something you didn't know you would in advance. An example: I thought I hated "literature". Don't get me wrong; I always loved to read. But I had a series of English teachers in high school who did not inspire in me a love of studying literature. I thought it was sort of imprecise and annoying to try to analyze literature. Fast forward to college: I decided to be a French major, mostly because I loved traveling. (I had initially wanted to be a math major, but had a bad experience in honors calculus my first semester and never took math again.) At a certain point I ran out of language/culture/cinema courses in French and was forced to start taking literature courses my senior year in order to finish my major. Well, with the right professors, I suddenly found that I *loved* studying and analyzing literature. Something finally clicked, and I went on to grad school (in Italian) and became a professor. Now I spend much of my life analyzing literature and teaching others how to do it. And I love it. I really do. But if I hadn't been required to look into it further as part of my studies, I never would have discovered that.

But what about George? What about how much he's hating math right now? How much do I insist that he stick with it? Perhaps there's a happy medium. I actually do believe that he could pick it up pretty quickly, later, if it were to serve a purpose he valued, and I kind of feel like all he's learning right now is a hatred for and frustration with math, which is certainly something I do *not* want to teach him! I recently read a really interesting article, in fact, about a highly successful experiment in which the teaching of math was delayed until middle school. Those kids actually ended up with a better understanding of math than their peers who had been taught the basics all along. (The real problem with the math George is doing right now--which my husband, a former middle-school math teacher, says is about early 7th-grade level--is that it is too repetitive, and it's killing him. So I'm thinking of letting him drop it entirely for now and starting up with a new program sometime next year, when he's recovered a bit.)

This post is already getting kind of long, but I am also wondering how much to insist on things like writing from him. He's already a really good writer. How much do I push him to work on his writing skills, and how much do I let him just run free with them, working on them when he feels inspired to do so? I like the idea of letting his own creativity and drive be his guides. On the other hand, it's not a bad thing to learn how to write (or do math, or work in general) even when you're not feeling particularly inspired to do so.

Anyway, for right now, unschooling (academically, at least) is working pretty well for me--I know George is ahead of the game in everything at this point, and I'm 8 months pregnant with increasingly limited energy and under a fair amount of pressure with my own work. Work that I do, yes, because I feel inspired to do it--sometimes. But also because I *have* to do it (if I want to keep a roof over my head, etc.), and it's a pretty good thing that I've learned to work even when I don't particularly feel like it.

So, despite my current flirtation with radical unschooling, I think I'll likely continue, in the future, to embrace my own little combination of approaches to both homeschooling and parenting. I'll keep looking into a variety of approaches, taking what feels right to me and leaving the rest, figuring it out as I go along. And then figuring it out all over again, as needs and situations always seem to be changing!

Birthday thoughts, and OW

First, the ow--I've been having early labor pains for most of the weekend and it has not been fun. They do finally seem to be subsiding, though, so I'm hoping for a decent night's sleep!

More importantly, the birthday thoughts... It's George's 10th tomorrow.

I used to keep a sort of journal for him. I started it when I was pregnant with him. When I found out I was pregnant all those years ago, a friend took me to a knitting store and got me started on my first knitting project since the 1970s, when I knitted one pink slipper to earn some girl scout badge or other. (It was all about the badges--and one slipper was enough, so I never got around to the other one.) Anyway, my friend got me started on a lovely blanket, which I really appreciated, but it wasn't helping me to connect with the little being inside of me in a way that really felt like, well, me. I suddenly got the idea to start a journal, which I would address to the baby, and in which I would write down all of my thoughts about being pregnant. I loved it, and I kept doing it regularly well into his first year. I'll share them with him someday, when he's a bit older. Anyway, my writing has gotten more and more sporadic, and I now write only a couple of times a year or less.

But one thing I've always done, right before his birthday, is to write down a bunch of things I love about him right then, at that age, and also some highlights of the last year. I was going to just write it in here this year, but then I thought that I really ought, for continuity's sake, to write it in the latest journal I have for him (which I think I started when he was about 4!) But then I couldn't find it, and now there's less than an hour left before his birthday, so I figured I'd better just go ahead and write it in here! I always address it to him. I hope it won't sound, I don't know, too personal. Or like I'm bragging, because it's kind of all about how awesome he is. (He's never actually read any of these yet, but he'll probably read this one... Anyway...) So if all that's going to annoy you, just stop reading right now! In any case, here goes.

Dear George,

It's almost your birthday! I won't say anything trite, like "you're growing up so fast", even though it does seem odd that it was 10 years ago tonight that I went to the hospital to bring you into this world. I didn't really know what to expect, of course. I was very excited and also scared. I had always wanted to be a mom, and sure hoped I'd be good at it. It's funny that now, exactly 10 years later, I've been having labor pains.... But in a way it's kind of cool, a kind of interesting connection between you and your little brother-to-be.

George, you might think I am saying this just because I'm your mom, but you are a really great kid. I have loved the last year with you. It has been such a privilege to get to spend so much time with you. It was just a little over a year ago, I think, that we pulled you out of the Montessori school (which you were attending only part-time at that point anyway) and moved full steam ahead with homeschooling. It has not always been easy and we've been sort of figuring it out as we go along, but I am so happy we're making it work. I can see that you are thriving and that is what a mom really wants to see.

So, what do I love about you, right now, at this ripe old age of 9? I love... first of all how kind and caring you are. You really care about other people and are extraordinarily thoughtful and considerate. You've been that way since you were like 2, but I'm glad to see that the world hasn't taken it out of you :-) Also, how insightful you are. How you really "get it". You have a great barometer for detecting bull#$%@ and you crack me up sometimes when you subtly call people out on it. You are really good at considering people's motives and also at understanding why people do the things they do, even when those things aren't very nice. This is true on the level of family, friends, and even society--we had a great conversation about racism tonight, for example. (After which you told me that when you grow up you want to eradicate racism. And also find a better cure for lice.) And I love our bedtime conversations--connecting with each other at the end of a day.

I love how motivated you are with Tae Kwon Do and also with recorder. That when we find something that you like and is a good fit for you, you really run with it.

I love that you trust me enough that when I'm upsetting you you know you can tell me. Like the other day in the car when we were a little late for music because you took too long getting ready, and I was going on and on about it because I was stressed out (about work, not really so very much about being late for the music lesson) and you listened to what I had to say but at a certain point you spoke up and gently expressed that I had really made my point, and that you really don't like it when I go on and on like that after you've clearly heard and understood what I've said! You were so right. And you didn't say it in a mean or disrespectful way.

I love how creatively you play. You will sit in your room for hours playing with your toys (right now it's lots of Legos and Disney Racers), talking and making up story lines... and I love that because you're homeschooled you have plenty of time to do that. Also, I really enjoy sitting on the floor with you (well, I did before I was pregnant, anyway!), playing board games, especially word games. Also, the way you write your own comics and you make up games that involve drawing pictures and such (sort of "choose-your-own-adventure" games, where you draw pictures for each adventure that the "player" chooses, like the rock-star game you made up for me).

Speaking of which, I love how you love my music and my singing. It makes me so happy to hear you sing, and I get an extra kick out of hearing you sing the songs I have written. Even more, I love how we wrote a song together, Schoolhouse Blues--that we took your horrible experiences in first grade and turned them into something so fun, and that was so well received when Bob and I performed it at the unschoolers convention.

There's not much I love a whole lot more than your sense of humor. You really do crack me up several times a day. Wish I could think of some examples but I'm tired and am drawing a blank! On a similar note, your facility with language. I love how when you learn a new word you start using it right away (pretty much always correctly).

I love the tenderness you already feel toward your little brother. You are so sweet when you kiss or ever-so-gently pat my belly and talk to him. I love all the love you already have in your heart for this little boy you haven't met just yet, but of course are so deeply connected to.... Also, how early on in the pregnancy you told me that a uterus was a portal from heaven. And how when you came to an ultrasound early on, and the ultrasound technician pointed out how quickly the baby had just turned around, you turned to me and announced, totally deadpan, "Well, Mom, looks like we've got another child prodigy on our hands." Also, how you told me that the ultrasound reminded you of how Chronos had swallowed his children, that that's what it looked like to you!

I love your attitude about religion and God and the Bible and such, and that you and I can have mature, sophisticated, and completely honest discussions about theology. And about literature. And about people. And about the meaning of life, and about just about anything. You are a great conversationalist--and not just for a nine-year-old, either. Really. I am lucky to know a lot of really great conversationalists and you can hold your own with any of them, with insightfulness, panache, and wit.

I also love how philosophical you can be... like the other day when you were overtired and upset, and verbalized that you were overwhelmed by turning 10 and thinking about all of the changes that you've had in your life already! Also how you noticed, when you were so very tired and upset, that it was, as you said, almost as if your body was looking for excuses to cry. That level of insight into your own feelings is going to serve you well in life.

I love what a good little actor you are. It was so wonderful to see you on stage last year (on your birthday!) at the play on campus, and then again as Lysander at the various performances of A Midsummer Night's Dream with the homeschoolers--especially one of the outdoor performances, when it was pouring rain, but you didn't let it slow you down one bit (nor did any of your cast mates!) I also loved it when you realized that you had forgotten to bring your sword out on stage with you once when you had a fight scene that was about to start--you hesitated for only a fraction of a second, and then just went for it, as if you were holding that sword anyway.

I love snuggling up with you in the morning and chatting, planning our day, or sometimes watching tv. I love going out to lunch with you. And going to the movies with you, even though I fall asleep probably half the time. How you loved the Return of the Pink Panther, which was my favorite movie when I was your age.

I love traveling with you...

I love how helpful you've become, especially now that I'm pregnant... offering to do various things without even being asked (like carrying the groceries, etc.).

Of course there are plenty of other things I love about you, Honey, but it's so late and I'm so tired... so this will have to do. I hope you're not embarrassed that I've written all of this here instead of in a journal where no one but you would see it (and not even you for several more years!!!).

Goodnight, my 9-year-old. Tomorrow we'll have brownies at Shakespeare class, and for dinner we'll have tostadas, your favorite meal. Then next week we'll have a little party for you at the movies. You wanted to show the Pink Panther movie, but were dissuaded when you showed to one of your friends and he didn't share your enthusiasm, so it's Back to the Future Part 2, instead (since you showed part 1 last year). So, sweet dreams, and happy, happy birthday to you!

Quick math update

So, I backed way off on the math thing, and apologized to George for having been overbearing and impatient about it, and guess what? We're almost totally back on track with it. He's not absolutely loving it, but he's had a few good sessions in a row and is really motivated with it again. Most importantly, he has in general returned to his enthusiastic self.

I hope I've really learned the lesson this time, to listen to my kid, and to respect his own internal rhythms a bit more. He knows when he needs a break. And it may or may not coincide with when I want him to take one. But when he truly needs it and I push him harder instead of giving it to him, it just doesn't work. And I end up sort of traumatizing him in the process! I need to remember that he pushes himself plenty hard overall, in many directions; apart from general guidance or specific help when he needs it, and gentle reminders here and there, I should just back the heck off. And save my slave-driving for myself!

Wrestling with my inner control freak

So, writing that post yesterday, and observing with renewed attention George's behavior and attitude today, I realize that I've slipped back into my slave-driver mentality this week. There are so many forces at work (both internal and external) that validate that mentality for me.... And it's so easy to forget who I'm dealing with here--not that being a control-freak-nazi-slave-driver would work particularly well with any kid. But the point is, George is plenty driven. He doesn't need me riding him so hard to make him learn! When I do that, it just burns him out. Listen to your kid, remember? He understands his own needs better than you might think.

When I'm pushing him too hard, it's because I'm noticing that he's slacking off a lot, but when he's slacking off a lot, it's always because he somehow knows he needs it. I'm not talking now about when he'll try to avoid doing something like brushing his teeth and he needs a little push in the general direction of the bathroom sink. I'm talking about when he starts to get an overall lack of enthusiasm for everything, even the things he normally loves. Which I really noticed today, when I was paying particular attention to *him* and not just to my own agenda.

And for cryin' out loud, who says he has to complete advanced 5th-grade math in 3 months? He's not even in 5th grade yet and even if he were, why should he be pressured to finish a whole year in 3 months? Just because I've paid a %$&^load of money for it? That's just dumb. Like forcing yourself to overeat at the buffet or something, because no matter what you want to make sure you get your money's worth. Or making yourself wear really uncomfortable-but-expensive shoes that you bought on a whim, because even if you're making yourself completely miserable, again, you're gonna get your money's worth, come hell or high water. Ha.

I *know* all of this, and yet somehow I can so easily forget it. Especially when I'm in a particularly intense period with my own work. And I guess I'm feeling the pressure with that and also with a baby on the way, like soon I won't have enough time and energy to make sure he's doing his math, so I'd better work hard to make sure he gets as much done as possible, right now. But he has his own needs and his own internal pace. His own comfort level with processing, absorbing, learning. And it absolutely needs to be taken into account. In fact, it really needs to be what guides his education. Any teacher worth her salt should know that!

It can just be hard to quiet the voices inside (and outside) my head--subtle though they may be--that express worry that he won't learn the value or the satisfaction of hard work and discipline, or that I'm letting his mind and talents go to waste or something. Again, it goes right back to the issues in my very first blog post, where I was grappling with the question of whether or not I was pushing him too hard or not enough (guess which one it was). I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I'm having to relearn a lesson that I thought I had already mastered. That just kinda seems to come with the territory of, well, life. On some things, anyway. Two steps forward, one step back....

Homeschooling again...

I initially started this blog to sort through my experiences as a new (or at least, newly full-time) homeschooler, but things had been going so smoothly in 2010 (at least as far as homeschooling!) that I really didn't have much to write about. Well, I do still have a lot to write about unschooling, but, anyway, now a problem has arisen that I do really want to address.

The problem is (surprise): math.

5th-grade math is so tedious! At least, the course George is doing now. The awful part is that they keep drilling him on fractions (improper, equivalent, etc.), and on long division and multiplication, and he's just tearing his hair out with it. His frustration level is so high that he has been crying almost every day with it. I gave him a long break in January, and then another week-long break for the unschooling conference, so although I can tell he could probably use another break, I've not been feeling inclined to give it to him. I have let him skip the last two days, though. The trouble is, the course is so darned expensive. I hate to let days go by without his making progress.

I guess even more than that, though, I hate having him develop an attitude about math. I have been telling him that I, who *loved* math in high school, hate this kind of stuff, too. It's boring, repetitive computation. The math I love is the more conceptual, logical stuff, and I just know he's going to love that, too. I mean, he does love it when he gets to do it. There's just too much emphasis on the computation right now, and it has zapped all the fun out of the rest of it for him.

It's making him miserable. And by extension, it's making me miserable. It's a particularly busy/productive time for me as I try to get as much accomplished as I can before the baby is born. But it's hard to focus on my work when George is crying over his math in the next room! He gets all frustrated and then he makes a minor error and gets the problem wrong, and then that sets him off. I've been sticking to the line of making him push through it, but it's not really working.

And call me a softy, but I don't think math should be torture. I don't think it should be excruciatingly dull. Cleaning the cat box, waiting in a long line, tidying his room, now those things can be tedious or boring. But I want him to love learning!

So, I've been looking into alternatives. I'd been hearing about Life of Fred for quite awhile, and we checked it out of the library. He does like it! The series claims to teach all the math you need to know from fractions through second-year college math or so. But it's hard to believe that it's really sufficient. The books are so short and are also written in a story format. They are very funny. They tell the story of Fred, a 5-yr-old boy who goes to college. All the math is taught in the context of things he comes across in his life. Then there are little tests that you have to pass before you can move on to find out what happens in the next chapter. It's really, really clever, and also teaches little smatterings of philosophy and rhetoric and such along the way. I love it, and George likes it as well, but I am definitely having a hard time believing it's as thorough as it really needs to be.

I also found that after the next couple of levels CTY math goes from EPGY to Thinkwell. And when I went to the Thinkwell website, I saw that the lowest level looks like it covers stuff he's doing right now. And it looks a lot less dry. AND it's a LOT cheaper. Part of why I feel pressured to keep pushing George is how much money this course is costing; even though it is an entire year of math, he's supposed to be able to do it in 3 months, and if he goes over the three months we have to pay more. But with Thinkwell you pay way less and you have an entire year to finish the course. BETTER! If I feel like he needs a break, or to focus on other subjects for awhile, I don't have to sweat it.

So, I'm contemplating having him do the Thinkwell placement test tomorrow, to see what he can place into. If he can place high enough, I won't feel too bad about abandoning the CTY/EPGY class in the middle. (I don't know why I'm reluctant or afraid to abandon the current course for the Life of Fred. But I am.) We can use the unused credit for another CTY course, I believe. (He's expressed an interest in their cryptography course.)

That's my plan, I think. The CTY courses have felt like such a safety net--they were what gave me the confidence to start homeschooling George full-time in the first place. Taking on homeschooling is such an awesome responsibility, and I felt that as long as the basics (math and reading, and eventually science) were being covered by this program for gifted kids run through Johns Hopkins and Stanford, well, then he was clearly getting an outstanding education. But it's not working so well anymore.

And part of what's so wonderful about homeschooling is that you can be completely flexible and tailor the whole thing to what is working for your kid. So maybe it's time to accept that this program has, for now, served its purpose, and it's time to move on.

Yes. I want his learning to be joyful. Challenging *and* fun. I really think it ought to be so, at least most of the time.