Happy Birthday to my writer

11 years ago tonight I was in the hospital, waiting for George to be born...

I'm going to write my annual list of "Things I love about George right now," but first a word about his latest writing project, which was just published online here. It's called "Commander Cat" and it's about a kid who finds a secret portal to an online gaming world, enters it, and ends up becoming their hero. He actually came up with the story when he was in kindergarten, on the playground--at recess he used to assign roles to a bunch of other kids and they would act out various parts of the story. He finally wrote it all out (changing it a fair amount in the process) for an online creative writing workshop he just finished through Northwestern's CTD.

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Well, the way life goes these days, I started this post, and now a few weeks have gone by and I haven't finished it. So now it's after George's birthday, but I'm still going to write my list/letter.

Dear George,

You are now eleven and are quite the young man. You have always been wise beyond your years, but you have really matured by leaps and bounds since becoming a big brother. I catch myself even more often than I used to forgetting that you're a kid! Which in some ways you don't mind, because you hate it when adults patronize kids by having reduced expectations of them.

Despite all the maturing, of course, you're still the same wonderful George you've always been.... I continue to be very much in awe of your creativity! It flows through you. I love acting as your scribe when it's flowing too fast for you to keep up with yourself. I sit with my laptop on the leather couch up in the man cave while you pace back and forth, and around the pool table, dictating to me. When you pause, I used to think something like "Oh no, he's out of ideas for what's going to happen next," but it makes me laugh to remember that now because you are *never* out of ideas. It is great fun, and it feels like a great privilege, to witness your creative process in action.

But it's not just all of your amazing ideas that have me in awe. It's your tremendous facility, ability, in expressing them. You have such flair. You can turn a phrase like nobody's business. You are very aware of the conventions and devices of the various genres that you write in, and employ them with ease--and talk about them critically when questioned about them. At 10 (now 11), you are one of the best writers I know. (I mean one of the best writers I know personally :-)

I love that I can talk to you about just about anything.

I love that you took a CTD course called "Computer Gaming Academy," where you learned how to design computer games using a certain program, and you haven't stopped designing games ever since, and have even helped several of your friends (and your cousin, I think) design some games.

I love being able to homeschool you, and I love exploring different models of learning/schooling with you. I love that I can discuss those models with you as we explore them! That you're interested in that sort of thing. And I love that because you are homeschooled (increasingly unschooled), you have plenty of time for all of your creative endeavors. I hope I'm doing right by you. Sometimes homeschooling feels like a huge responsibility. I rarely wonder if public school would be a better option for you, but I do sometimes wonder if I'm approaching homeschooling in the best way possible for you. I'm definitely making it up as I go along! In any case, I do love being on that journey with you.

I love watching "Good Luck, Charlie" with you, and laughing and laughing.

I love what a sophisticated consumer of popular culture you are. You said to me one morning recently, "Have you ever noticed how kids' cereal commercials are all the same?" and then you proceeded to give me a critique/analysis of the common elements of about 5 different cereal commercials. You did the same about family sitcoms, pointing out various stock characters that always seem to be in play. It's funny because this kind of literary/cultural analysis is in some sense what I do for a living, but I think it comes easier to you than it does to me!

You know that most of all I love your kindness. And your incredible consideration for other people's feelings in all kinds of circumstances.

I love how sweet you are with your baby brother. Like how when Bob and I are playing tennis, you'll talk to Ben and play with him in the car until he's bored and then you'll put him in his stroller and walk him around the park. I love how you make him laugh.

I love your exuberance toward the band, and my songs, and my singing. (You are really great for my self-confidence!) I love it when you walk around the house singing--one minute it will be a song Bob and I have written, and the next it will be something from your choir, and the next it might be a song you're currently learning on recorder. So it's not just that I love how supportive you are of my music, I also love your involvement with and appreciation of all kinds of music.

I love how unflinching you are in the face of peer pressure. You are your own person. You do not live your life wondering, worrying, what other people think. It's not that you don't care what others think. But you're not going to let that stop you from doing or liking something. And it's another reason why I'm glad I'm able to homeschool you--that you don't have to deal with all of that pressure to conform all day long. I know from when you were in public school that the pressure to conform (much of which came from your teacher!) didn't ever really make you conform, but it did cause a lot of friction and unpleasantness in your day. And I love how you are almost sort of baffled when people you know are affected by peer pressure.

I just took another break in writing this post because you came up to the man cave, where I've been, and we talked and talked for like an hour... about church(es), about peer pressure, about school, homeschooling, and unschooling, about what we're going to do this afternoon to get out of the house, besides chess club (I'm off from teaching this week, and Bob's going to be cleaning the house so we want to get out of his way!).... I love our conversations, and I know you do, too (I know 'cuz you just told me). And I love that you love the man cave. That might sound silly or weird but I do. You have a sort of relationship to this space and I think it's really cool. You love to come up here in the morning before anyone else is up, especially if it's raining--sometimes you'll bring your pillow and blanket and a book (ok, it's never just one book--it's always a whole stack), and you'll snuggle up under your blanket on the couch and listen to the rain on the roof while you read.... I love it.

I guess it's time to get on with my/our day, so I'll wrap this up. But happy birthday, George. It's a privilege and a pleasure being your mom. I can't wait to see what fun things this next year will bring, what great stories you'll write, what new passions will develop (speaking of which, I feel this letter would be incomplete without a mention of Pokemon and Lego Ninjago, two of your current passions!).... Thanks for being you. I love you.

Love,
Mom

Breaking up with RU (Radical Unschooling)

Dear Radical Unschooling,

I'm sorry, but it's just not going to work out between us. I gave it my best shot, but I've become convinced that we're just not right for each other.

You might say I didn't give us enough of a chance. That if I'd stuck it out longer I would have seen that we were perfect for each other. But I just don't think so.

The thing is, I do have an idea in my head of the kind of person I want my son to be. You might call that controlling, and you might say that control is an illusion, and that if I'm imposing my ideas on him I'm just messing with him, that I should stand back (or stand very nearby) and let him develop entirely into the person he wants to be, that he chooses to be. Perhaps this could even be true if the world were different. But with so many influences raining down on him all the time from our culture, I feel that if I don't step in a bit I'm not really letting him grow up to be free, I'm merely ceding my role as guide to the media, etc. I think that as his mom I have a thing or two over the corporate/consumer culture that is constantly, subtly and not-so-subtly, bombarding kids with messages regarding what they should value and who they should be. And if I don't speak up and yes, sometimes insist, that culture will play too formative a role in his development. And as his mom, I don't want that. And I actually do believe that is my right (and maybe even my responsibility) as his parent to want or not want that for him, and to act accordingly.

I know you're asking me who I am to insist that my son spend his time in particular ways. What makes me think that he should spend only a limited amount of time, decided upon by me, playing video games or watching tv, for example, as opposed to reading books? If I happen to think that books are more valuable than tv/video games, that's merely my opinion, and I should let him form his own conclusions, right? Sorry; I don't buy it. I really don't.

Let me tell you, RU, I have nothing in particular against the tv or video games. I enjoy them plenty. And I also know that there are plenty of truly educational tv programs and video games, and also that one can learn a lot even from shows and games that are not at all meant to be educational. But there has to be a balance. And with all the tv programming for kids that there is nowadays, I'm sorry but I don't trust that my son would "eventually" self-regulate. I gave this unlimited tv thing a try. And George enjoyed it, for sure. He found a whole bunch of new programs that he loved and started watching on a regular basis. I don't have a problem with that, except that it's all he wanted to do. And with all the cable channels we have, there is *always* something new to watch. And for awhile he was simultaneously watching the tv and playing his Nintendo DS. For hours on end. At the end of which he'd be completely strung out. I felt him slipping away into his own little electronic world. Seriously, his personality changes when he has too much screen time. His sense of humor, normally so sharp and verbal and sophisticated, regressed into mild obnoxiousness. This just does not happen when he spends the whole day reading. And honestly, I don't think it's good for him as a human being!

Yes, I do have an idea of the person I want him to be, and that person is very well educated, and well read. Call me a snob if you must, but I'll counter that I think that such a person can also be well versed in pop culture. I truly have no problem with that, and am quite well versed in pop culture myself. For crying out loud, I'm in a rock band, and I love so-called "reality" tv. If I had more time, I'd actually read People magazine from cover to cover on a regular basis. But again, there has to be a balance as far as I'm concerned.

I want George to grow up reading. All kinds of things. From comic books to the classics. Reading engages your mind in a particular way that electronic media simply does not, in my experience. In a way that I value. It gives you a broader perspective on humanity and the human experience, and sharpens your analytical skills more than electronic media can. I think it makes you a more sophisticated consumer of electronic media, and in the days of "infotainment" and almost non-stop advertising and completely bogus political propaganda being slung around all over the place by around-the-clock stations like Fox "News" (and all the rest of them, really), being a sophisticated consumer of rhetoric is of vital importance. If you are not thoroughly versed in the ways of rhetoric, or at least in possession of a critical approach to and understanding of the ways in which people use language to shape "reality" for you, you are a sitting duck for corporations and politicians who would manipulate you into following them headlong into what's best for them, which at least as often as not is not going to be what's best for you. And I'll tell you what I see: people who are well read and/or well educated tend to be less likely to fall prey to that sort of thing. It was certainly true for me that in graduate school, when I became a much more sophisticated reader than I ever had been, I also became a more sophisticated consumer of both popular and political culture, and that spilled over into all areas of my life, making me a much more empowered human being.

I want that for my son. And I'm going to do what I can to make sure he gets it.

So, anyway, RU, I hope there are no hard feelings. I wish you all the best, and I know you'll continue to thrive in many places, among many families. Just not mine.

The Unschooling thing

Unschooling has been on my mind a lot lately, pretty much ever since I went to the unschooling conference earlier last month and discovered that I'm not really an unschooler. Well, not a real one, anyway. Turns out to be a true unschooler you pretty much have to not insist on anything from your child. It's not just a homeschooling approach; it's a parenting philosophy as well. If there's something you want your child to do (being helpful around the house, or being polite, for example), you lead by example and can talk to them about what's important from your perspective, but leave it completely up to them whether or not they follow. Unschoolers also do not worry about what their children are or aren't learning--it is completely up to the child what to focus on and when. You might think that this sounds like neglect, but from what I've seen nothing could be further from the truth. The parents I've encountered who choose this style of homeschooling/parenting are extraordinarily dedicated parents, who work hard to provide all sorts of educational opportunities in areas where their kids express interest. And the unschooled kids I met at the conference seemed, actually, to be very nice kids (articulate, interesting, well-socialized, "together", etc.). Here's a definition of radical unschooling that I found on an unschooling site:

Unschooling will look different in different families, and "radical unschooling" simply means extending the philosophy of unschooling (that children will learn what they need to know when they are ready and want to learn it) into every other aspect of life (i.e. children will go to sleep when they are tired, eat when they are hungry, and will learn to be a functioning, helpful member of a family/household without being forced/required to do things like chores, given punishments, limited on tv/videogames, etc.)

I find this concept to be both intriguing and kind of horrifying. It goes counter to so many things in our society (which could be both a plus and a minus, I suppose).

Children who are unschooled often take classes and follow curricula--*if* and when they so choose. Parents who unschool their children say that their kids hardly ever spend the whole day watching tv or playing video games; they say that because these things are not limited, their children aren't obsessed with them. I see the logic in this argument; I really do. And when George had lice last fall, and I told him he could do whatever he wanted until it cleared up, he did spend about three full days on his Nintendo DS but then was quite bored with it and went back to reading. Does that prove the point? Well, I must admit that it kind of does. Do I continue to limit his game/tv time? Well, yes I do. But back to that in a minute.

There are two separate but of course related issues here, one having to do with parenting in general and one having to do with schooling. I'm actually grappling more with the schooling end of things. I'm pretty happy with my parenting in general and also with the person George is turning out to be. Of course I believe that in any area there is always room for improvement, so I am enjoying being on an unschoolers list-serv and considering the different points of view presented there.

But I feel like George and I have a pretty authentic, balanced, respectful, trusting relationship (not unlike the relationship I had with my parents when I was growing up), despite the fact that on occasion there is an imbalance of power. Because I've been around a lot longer than he has, there are some things that I know that he doesn't. And while I'm always willing to listen to and consider his point of view, and will follow it on many things, I feel that insisting on certain things like a bedtime is truly in his best interests. When he doesn't get enough sleep he becomes very irritable and difficult to be around, which adversely affects both him and everyone around him. He really turns into a different kid. Argumentative, edgy, angry, volatile, sometimes even explosive. I understand; I become those things, too, when I haven't had enough sleep! I truly do. As an adult, I do my best to insure that I get at least a minimum of sleep so that that doesn't happen too much. But I can't expect George to do that for himself, not when it would mean voluntarily removing himself from whatever is going on with the rest of the family pretty much every evening (George wakes up early, no matter what, so he has to go to bed by about 8 or so. My husband and I stay up a bit later than that, of course, and when my stepkids are here, they are also allowed to stay up until at least 9--they generally sleep a bit later than George does). This is one example--actually, the main one (though a similar phenomenon happens when he has too much screen time)--where I feel it works best for our family and for George himself for me to insist on something from him.

Back to academics.... The theory, as stated above, says that kids will learn what they need when they need it, and it's not up to us to force-feed them anything at all. This sounds pretty radical, yes. But there are so many examples I've heard of since I've really been looking into this lately. Mostly having to do with math/science, which coincidentally is what's most on my mind. One unschooled girl was never required to do any math and when she was of high school age she was doing a building project of some sort that was important to her, and she suddenly found that she needed a mathematical formula to figure something out. She went right to the computer and did a little research, and within 15 minutes had found the formula and figured out how to use it. Another kid decided she really wanted to go to college and found out that there was an entrance requirement of chemistry, in which she lacked any interest or training. She decided to take an online college-level chemistry class, worked really hard for the duration of the term, and got an A. Getting either of these kids to study these things sooner, when they really didn't see the point and had no interest in them, would likely have produced different (less desirable) results.

At the same time, as I've stated before, I am a proponent of a well-rounded education. I believe that people benefit from studying different things. Even things they aren't particularly interested in. That each discipline has its own way(s) of seeing the world, and that one can only benefit from being exposed to such diversity of perspective. Plus, you might discover that you love something you didn't know you would in advance. An example: I thought I hated "literature". Don't get me wrong; I always loved to read. But I had a series of English teachers in high school who did not inspire in me a love of studying literature. I thought it was sort of imprecise and annoying to try to analyze literature. Fast forward to college: I decided to be a French major, mostly because I loved traveling. (I had initially wanted to be a math major, but had a bad experience in honors calculus my first semester and never took math again.) At a certain point I ran out of language/culture/cinema courses in French and was forced to start taking literature courses my senior year in order to finish my major. Well, with the right professors, I suddenly found that I *loved* studying and analyzing literature. Something finally clicked, and I went on to grad school (in Italian) and became a professor. Now I spend much of my life analyzing literature and teaching others how to do it. And I love it. I really do. But if I hadn't been required to look into it further as part of my studies, I never would have discovered that.

But what about George? What about how much he's hating math right now? How much do I insist that he stick with it? Perhaps there's a happy medium. I actually do believe that he could pick it up pretty quickly, later, if it were to serve a purpose he valued, and I kind of feel like all he's learning right now is a hatred for and frustration with math, which is certainly something I do *not* want to teach him! I recently read a really interesting article, in fact, about a highly successful experiment in which the teaching of math was delayed until middle school. Those kids actually ended up with a better understanding of math than their peers who had been taught the basics all along. (The real problem with the math George is doing right now--which my husband, a former middle-school math teacher, says is about early 7th-grade level--is that it is too repetitive, and it's killing him. So I'm thinking of letting him drop it entirely for now and starting up with a new program sometime next year, when he's recovered a bit.)

This post is already getting kind of long, but I am also wondering how much to insist on things like writing from him. He's already a really good writer. How much do I push him to work on his writing skills, and how much do I let him just run free with them, working on them when he feels inspired to do so? I like the idea of letting his own creativity and drive be his guides. On the other hand, it's not a bad thing to learn how to write (or do math, or work in general) even when you're not feeling particularly inspired to do so.

Anyway, for right now, unschooling (academically, at least) is working pretty well for me--I know George is ahead of the game in everything at this point, and I'm 8 months pregnant with increasingly limited energy and under a fair amount of pressure with my own work. Work that I do, yes, because I feel inspired to do it--sometimes. But also because I *have* to do it (if I want to keep a roof over my head, etc.), and it's a pretty good thing that I've learned to work even when I don't particularly feel like it.

So, despite my current flirtation with radical unschooling, I think I'll likely continue, in the future, to embrace my own little combination of approaches to both homeschooling and parenting. I'll keep looking into a variety of approaches, taking what feels right to me and leaving the rest, figuring it out as I go along. And then figuring it out all over again, as needs and situations always seem to be changing!

Quick math update

So, I backed way off on the math thing, and apologized to George for having been overbearing and impatient about it, and guess what? We're almost totally back on track with it. He's not absolutely loving it, but he's had a few good sessions in a row and is really motivated with it again. Most importantly, he has in general returned to his enthusiastic self.

I hope I've really learned the lesson this time, to listen to my kid, and to respect his own internal rhythms a bit more. He knows when he needs a break. And it may or may not coincide with when I want him to take one. But when he truly needs it and I push him harder instead of giving it to him, it just doesn't work. And I end up sort of traumatizing him in the process! I need to remember that he pushes himself plenty hard overall, in many directions; apart from general guidance or specific help when he needs it, and gentle reminders here and there, I should just back the heck off. And save my slave-driving for myself!

Wrestling with my inner control freak

So, writing that post yesterday, and observing with renewed attention George's behavior and attitude today, I realize that I've slipped back into my slave-driver mentality this week. There are so many forces at work (both internal and external) that validate that mentality for me.... And it's so easy to forget who I'm dealing with here--not that being a control-freak-nazi-slave-driver would work particularly well with any kid. But the point is, George is plenty driven. He doesn't need me riding him so hard to make him learn! When I do that, it just burns him out. Listen to your kid, remember? He understands his own needs better than you might think.

When I'm pushing him too hard, it's because I'm noticing that he's slacking off a lot, but when he's slacking off a lot, it's always because he somehow knows he needs it. I'm not talking now about when he'll try to avoid doing something like brushing his teeth and he needs a little push in the general direction of the bathroom sink. I'm talking about when he starts to get an overall lack of enthusiasm for everything, even the things he normally loves. Which I really noticed today, when I was paying particular attention to *him* and not just to my own agenda.

And for cryin' out loud, who says he has to complete advanced 5th-grade math in 3 months? He's not even in 5th grade yet and even if he were, why should he be pressured to finish a whole year in 3 months? Just because I've paid a %$&^load of money for it? That's just dumb. Like forcing yourself to overeat at the buffet or something, because no matter what you want to make sure you get your money's worth. Or making yourself wear really uncomfortable-but-expensive shoes that you bought on a whim, because even if you're making yourself completely miserable, again, you're gonna get your money's worth, come hell or high water. Ha.

I *know* all of this, and yet somehow I can so easily forget it. Especially when I'm in a particularly intense period with my own work. And I guess I'm feeling the pressure with that and also with a baby on the way, like soon I won't have enough time and energy to make sure he's doing his math, so I'd better work hard to make sure he gets as much done as possible, right now. But he has his own needs and his own internal pace. His own comfort level with processing, absorbing, learning. And it absolutely needs to be taken into account. In fact, it really needs to be what guides his education. Any teacher worth her salt should know that!

It can just be hard to quiet the voices inside (and outside) my head--subtle though they may be--that express worry that he won't learn the value or the satisfaction of hard work and discipline, or that I'm letting his mind and talents go to waste or something. Again, it goes right back to the issues in my very first blog post, where I was grappling with the question of whether or not I was pushing him too hard or not enough (guess which one it was). I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I'm having to relearn a lesson that I thought I had already mastered. That just kinda seems to come with the territory of, well, life. On some things, anyway. Two steps forward, one step back....

So much to write about...

...so little time/energy to write about it! Plus, my unlucky-with-laptops streak has continued, and my newest laptop, the only computer in the house that had been working consistently, has been acting up. Anyway, here, in brief, are some of the things I've been wanting to write about:

1) Went to an unschooling conference and finally actually learned something about what unschooling really is. Found that I am, and am not, an unschooler. Am definitely not a "radical unschooler". I intend to write more about this in a future post.

2) Also at this conference I heard John Taylor Gatto speak, and really loved many of the things he had to say. The main idea he conveyed that I loved was something along the lines of how we prolong childhood artificially in our culture, and by doing so, we actually do our kids a disservice. We should both give them more credit and expect more from them starting much earlier on. I'm not explaining that well at all... (does it sound like I'm all for putting kids to work in sweatshops?!) but it will have to wait for a future post.

3) I've been sick all week with a cough that was so bad I actually went to the emergency room (under the advice of my doctor, lest you think I'm a total hypochondriac!). Everything is fine, big-picture-wise, but it's been quite a week. Hence the lack of energy to write about all these things that have been rattling around in my head....

4) I have been on a song-writing spree. Not so much this week, but in the weeks leading up to it. I kind of have the idea to write about the genesis of some of these songs in here, because I think down the road I'd like to remember the circumstances under which I wrote them. And it's getting to the point where there are enough of them that I'm going to start losing track. I will say that tonight Bob and I set to music some lyrics we wrote some time ago ("Catch a Groove"). Anyway, more later.

5) I have great aspirations to write about all of the above, but am not sure when I'm really going to get to it, since I also have a ton of work to do (especially since I fell far behind this week, being on my deathbed and all), and I'm going to have a BABY in two months and my house is nowhere near ready for his arrival.

Ok, that's it for now. Must sleep!

Loving this unschooling thing... if that's what it is!

Honestly, even though I pretty much consider us to be unschoolers, I have to say I'm still not exactly sure what that means. When I've asked others who also consider themselves unschoolers about that, they've told me that there are pretty much as many definitions of unschooling as there are unschoolers.

In any case, I love what we're doing. I love that we're staying flexible, and going with what works. Today, for example, we had a plan. It was fairly ambitious and included the following:

*clean his room
*write a book review on his blog (he had started about three, and I wanted him to finish one of them)
*practice his recorder
*brush and floss his teeth (yes, I have to make this part of his schedule! It's nowhere near automatic)
*clean the cat box
*do a final olive oil treatment on his hair

All of that had to be done before noon, because from noon to 3:00 on Fridays he goes to the local YMCA for Spanish class, swimming, and gym class. From 3-4:30 we were going to run some errands, and then head to Tae Kwon Do class from 4:30-5:30.

He had accomplished most of what was on his list (which took a lot of effort on his part--his room was quite the disaster area, and he worked long and hard on his book review), and was sitting in the bath with the olive oil on his head. I told him it was time to comb it out--that we couldn't wait long because we'd be late for Spanish. He gently protested, "But I haven't had any time to play in the bath!" I thought about this, and about how rushed we'd be if we tried to make it to Spanish on time, and I realized that I actually would rather just let him play in the bath and take his time a bit--especially considering how hard he'd worked all morning, from the time he'd awakened. A little unstructured playtime is good for the soul, don'tcha think? So, I suggested that we skip Spanish. Which he followed up by suggesting that we skip the whole afternoon at the Y, and just go to Tae Kwon Do.

My first response was "No way." It's not just that we've paid for these sessions, or even that I like the consistency of his being with the same group of kids every week for an entire afternoon. It's really more that I don't want him to blow stuff off just because he feels like it.

But then I thought about myself--after a long, exhausting week--having to sit for three hours on uncomfortable benches and chairs (it's not a drop-off program; you have to stay there with your kid), and about how I haven't been sleeping well and wasn't really feeling all that great, and also about the mountain of work I have to do over the weekend (grading, grading, more grading, and writing of letters of recommendation, and reading a bunch of applications for an awards committee I'm on, and prepping for my next class, in between all of which I have a big gig with the band Saturday night, *and* have to go Halloween costume shopping, and really should get out our Halloween decorations already!!!, and, well, you get the idea...). And I realized I really wanted to stay home, too. Besides, he'll still be going to Tae Kwon Do this afternoon, which is super rigorous and disciplined.

So, I caved, though I made it clear that this was a one-time deal; that normally we wouldn't blow this off. (Of course, normally on a Friday morning we won't have to be working in an olive oil treatment and a combing and a bath!) He was fine with that. We finished his treatment/bath (he's definitely still lice-free), and he completed the rest of the items on his agenda and is having some playtime before Tae Kwon Do.

In the end, it will have been a productive day--just not exactly in the way that we planned. This, I guess, is at least a small part of what unschooling means to me--though I know (from reading other blogs as well as talking to other homeschooling parents) that even those who do follow a curriculum with their kids will often deviate from the plan on any given day.

So, of course, it's more than that... Even though he doesn't like everything on his daily schedule, there's very little on there (apart from the chores and the tooth-brushing) that he didn't either come up with himself or embrace very enthusiastically when I proposed it to him. For example, I actually wanted him to do another CTY writing course, because he got a lot out of the two he did last year, but he wasn't up for it. He definitely wants to do more of them at some point--he just got burned out last year, and I decided not to push it at all. So instead of a class or some other sort of curriculum, we came up with the idea for him to blog. My suggestion was a book-review blog, which he's doing, but he's also doing two other blogs that he wanted to do (one with movie reviews and one with whatever he wants to write about).

In addition, I have several workbooks/activity books for him on math, geography, history, etc. Most days he has "workbook time", but I let him choose what he which ones he wants to work on and I don't make him do any pages or activities he's not interested in (unfortunately, the math ones I got are too easy for him, so he never picks those--I guess I'll have to have him help me pick out some math books that he'll find more challenging and interesting).

He also reads like crazy and often writes comic books, but he does those things almost effortlessly, and he doesn't need them to be on any kind of daily agenda. Still, I value them (especially the reading, but also the creative activity) as vital parts of his daily learning.

Where's the discipline in all this choice? Actually, I would say that he's more self-disciplined than he's ever been. Although he needs to be gently reminded, for example, to practice his recorder, I think there is plenty of discipline required to practice an instrument to the point where you can play it well. There's a lot of repetition and, when he's learning a new piece, a fair amount of frustration that he has to face and overcome. I love seeing the commitment and drive in him to succeed at that. And of course, Tae Kwon Do is about as disciplined as it gets--not just the moves themselves, but lots of lining up or sitting down in straight rows, and being quiet and paying attention even when it's not your turn, and all that--all those skills he *hated* trying to acquire way back in 1st grade at public school but really doesn't mind working on in this context (where all that lining up and sitting down feels like it's worth it because he's actually learning something!). He also shows discipline and stick-to-it-ive-ness in his writing, which is something that of course can be difficult and frustrating and tiring, and he works hard at it.

Overall, maybe he's not pushing himself as hard as he could be right now, but I think that's ok. He's definitely making really good progress, academically and personally, and he's happy. It's a great combination. Also, I do feel that when he's ready for more of a challenge he'll seek it out, or ask me to help him seek it out. In fact, he's already excited about the thought of taking at least one or two online courses staring in January. And of course, I'll keep encouraging him every so often to think about getting back to his EPGY math.

And one of these days, when I have some spare time (ha!), I'll read up on unschooling, though I guess it doesn't really matter what I call what we're doing; it just matters that it's working so well!

Listening to my kid

George and I are not in agreement regarding how long his break from math should last. But I think I'm going to follow his lead on this one. After all, he's technically at the beginning of 4th grade, and he just finished 4th-grade math, so it's not like he's falling behind.

It's just that once he's done with 5th-grade math, there are all sorts of cool courses he'll be eligible to take with CTY (namely, a middle school science series, and a cryptography course that he's quite interested in), and I'm eager for him to be able to start with those. (I think that we'll probably alternate online science and math courses once he gets to that point.) Plus, the achiever in me wants to see him accomplish more, more, more! But I'm really trying to resist that impulse, because it's not even about him.

The only real consideration here is that I don't want him to lose what he's learned. But I can address that by making sure that he does some math worksheets or workbooks, and that we keep playing his math card games, on a regular (if not daily) basis.

I don't think I would have had the guts to do this last year, to let him make the call on how long his math postponement would be. But I know he'll want to get back to it. He's very excited about the cryptography course, and he's also eager to get a math computer game offered by CTY (Descartes' Cove) that is for kids who have completed 5th-grade math. Plus, last year when I denied him a break when he had asked for it, math became intensely unpleasant for him, something he dreaded on a daily basis. When I relented and let him take a 3-week break, he did return to it with renewed enthusiasm. So I am fairly confident that when he feels ready he'll come back to it.

But what about kids in school who have to do math every day, whether they like it or not?! Shouldn't I make him do stuff he doesn't want to do? Isn't that part of life? Isn't that a skill he'll need in order to succeed "out in the world"?

Actually, he does plenty of things every day that he doesn't want to do. He has daily chores, and some of them--such as cleaning the cat box--are no doubt even more unpleasant than some of the awful things he'd have to be doing in school (LOL). Then there are matters such as complying with my sometimes quite stringent limits on tv and video games, having to brush his teeth and hair every day (neither of which he likes at all!), having to go to bed earlier than his younger step-sister (she sleeps in; he doesn't), having to negotiate with his step-siblings about all sorts of things, etc. etc. So, honestly, rather than make him continue with his math right now when he's feeling burned out, I think it's a better use of our time and energy to insist that he stick with his chores (and that he continue to do academic work in other areas, of course). As long as he is making adequate progress in academics overall, which he surely is, to me the rest is not so important.

Besides, the math that he's doing is much more intense than the math he'd be doing at school, so I do think it's fair to let him recover from that intensity before he delves into it again. In fact, the tutor that CTY assigned to us said that lots of kids find that they need a substantial break in between the classes, to do other more "fun" things with math. So I'm following my new, experience-based instincts, and letting it go. It will be interesting to see how this experiment turns out!

Making it work... or So far, so good

I've been telling myself that we're easing into a full schedule, but I think it's time to call it what it really is: an experiment with unschooling. So far, I'm loving it, and so is George. I'm realizing more and more just how intense last year was, even at the end when we were homeschooling full-time. Our schedule was jam-packed, and very hectic. George was only doing two classes online, but in addition to that we were doing lots of classes and lessons and activities locally, plus he had a fairly heavy chore schedule at home. Plus, he was shuttled around a lot from place to place with many different caregivers/tutors, because of my schedule. Plus, the two courses he was doing online were pretty intense....

So, we're taking it a bit easy. Math (EPGY, online) is the only academic thing we're doing in a formal way. We'll be starting back up with his recorder lessons soon, and the homeschool field-trip schedule is picking up, and Friday we'll also be starting a homeschool swim/gym program at the YMCA that includes a Spanish class as well. Oh yeah, and George has also joined the church choir, which is actually a pretty serious choir with a big musical education component. We'll also be checking into Tae Kwon Do. Whew, doesn't sound like we'll be taking it so easy for much longer!

Our morning routine usually goes something like this: we wake up early, before either of us is really ready for breakfast, and we often start out watching some sort of social-studies-themed documentary. There's an endless supply to TiVo on cable, and many of them are quite interesting. He's a pretty sophisticated viewer, and often likes to dissect both the presentation and the content with me, so he's also getting an education in rhetoric and the media! Then we have breakfast and tea, during which we either do a round or two of Mad Libs (great for reinforcing the parts of speech, even though to be honest he has had those down pat for quite some time) or play one of his math card games (although he's doing pretty advanced math, his math facts can still use some reinforcement). After breakfast he does some household chore or other while I clean up. It's usually about 9 or so by this time, and we head to the computers--he to a desktop in his stepsister's room (it's the least-worst of the house computers) and I to my laptop, in the same room. He does his math, and I start on my work. At this point I choose something to do that doesn't require uninterrupted concentration on my part, as he sometimes either has a question or needs a little redirecting (his mind can wander a bit, particularly when the computer gets slow or when the work gets a little too easy and he starts embellishing to make it more interesting).

Once he's done with his math, I pretty much let him go off and running with whatever he wants (um, except for watching tv), while I focus more intently on my work. Some days he pours over these Greek mythology/monster cards that he has, making up games with them but also drawing all sorts of interesting parallels and conclusions about the various gods and creatures. He's definitely learning the basics of Greek mythology better than I ever did in grade school (this also due to his love of the Percy Jackson book series). Other days he writes stories and comics. Most days he also reads voraciously, as he has always been wont to do. And yes, I even experimented with letting him play his favorite computer game for much of the afternoon (Poptropica). He actually got bored with it, and with playing on the computer in general, which I never thought I'd see!

At some point in the afternoon I take a break for phys ed, and I either twist his arm into going on a walk with me (he rides his scooter), or we play tennis, or swim (those days are numbered!), or some combination thereof. Then later in the afternoon, when school has let out, he often plays with the kids from the neighborhood, while I continue working. I'm teaching in the evening this semester, so my husband can cover most of those hours with him, and I have various sitters set up to come over during those times when I have office hours/meetings/other obligations (usually in the afternoons, so most days our morning routine can stay intact).

Although I won't deny that it's a lot for me to handle, I will say that it's working out much better than I feared. I can actually get quite a lot of work done with this set up, because George is really great about leaving me alone when I tell him I need it. Part of that is due to his temperament, but I think it's also that I spend that quality time with him first thing in the morning, which starts his day out right.

If I had time, I'd read a bunch of books about unschooling, and would feel like I really knew what I was doing.... But actually, I do feel like I know what I'm doing! I'm both following my instincts regarding what my kid needs, and doing what I need to do to make it work for me as well. Come to think of it, that's pretty much been at the core of my parenting since George was a baby.

I'm sure our approach to schooling will continue to evolve over time. Homeschooling, like parenting, is definitely a process. For now, he's thriving, and it's working for me. I'm good with that.

Back to (un)School

Well, September is here, George is done with summer camps, and we're back to homeschooling--not that one ever really leaves it. But back to it in a more deliberate way.

As I look to the school year ahead, I feel excited, hopeful, and relieved. Excited because this is our first year where we're starting out from the beginning with the plan of full-time homeschooling, and I kind of almost know what I'm doing now, so it's easier to feel excited rather than terrified by the possibilities. Hopeful that this will be his least traumatic school year in quite some time! There's not much competition in that category, unfortunately. It's really been one trauma and/or massive upheaval after another in recent years. This is where my relief comes in: this is the first year (out of the last three) where I will be focusing all of my efforts on educating him, rather than on working with some teacher who doesn't get him and doesn't like him, or on pouring my energy into starting a school. We began full-time homeschooling at the end of last winter, but I was already exhausted at that point from working on the Montessori school, and was also trying to regain my composure/balance/sanity after realizing that yet another difficult road had led us nowhere. It feels good to be getting a fresh start this year, and to know that the outcome of my efforts is ultimately not dependent upon anyone else but George and me.

I guess I also have just the slightest twinge of regret--that my mammoth efforts to start a school over the last two years were all for naught. Not entirely true--I think that the Montessori school may be up and running as a preschool still. But I didn't set out to start a preschool; what this community desperately needs and what I wanted to help create is an alternative school (Montessori or otherwise) from the elementary level on up. As intensely (insanely?!) as I worked over the last two years to start one, I suppose I mostly did it for George, but I also derived a sense of satisfaction from the idea of building something that would benefit the entire community. Oh well; it didn't work out that way. Moving on... and feeling mostly quite good about it.

We're easing into a routine with the homeschooling. I'm going to stick with my plan of being rather unschooly, at least to begin with. While we will be starting various types of lessons and local homeschooling classes later this month, and will develop an informal "curriculum" in other subjects, for now we're focusing just on math, which is the subject we'll be covering in the most formal way. He has started back up this week with his online CTY/EPGY class, and has so far been doing a great job with it, despite the fact that it is not his absolute favorite.

Funny--even as I write this, I'm beginning to feel a bit intimidated by the thought of an entire school year stretching out in front of us, by the thought of juggling full-time homeschooling and a full-time career. Not to mention a busy household and a rock band. Eeeeek! But no, I can do this! I really can! At least, I sure hope so. Wish me luck.

The Spleen

I'm still trying to wrap my mind completely around homeschooling. Heck, I'm still wrapping my mind around parenting, and I've been doing that for nine years now. Just when you think you have things figured out, the kid grows up a little more and you have a whole new set of things to figure out. That's pretty much been happening with homeschooling as well, in these several months that I've been doing it full-time. So I get the feeling that I could be trying to wrap my mind around this homeschooling thing for the foreseeable future.

One of the things I'm constantly weighing in my mind is how unschooly I want to be. In theory, I love the idea of unschooling. In practice, well, actually, I really love it in practice, so I guess it's the theory after all that gives me pause. I should be clear that what I'm thinking about here is what is going to be best for my son–I'm not trying to figure out what the be-all-and-end-all-holy-grail of homeschooling is for everyone. What I'm struggling with is what is the best way to educate my kid. This is a huge, huge question that is way too big for one post, so I'm just going to try to focus on one or two aspects of this right now, spurred by a conversation George and I had yesterday:

George: What does the spleen do, Mom?
Me (distracted, putting away the dishes): Hmm, I don't know.
George: Let me guess–you're going to tell me to take a science class to find out.
Me (glad that he remembered the clever answer that I'd forgotten): Right.
George: What science class would that be? Biology?
Me: Um, yes, biology.
George: But Mom, didn't you take biology?
Me: Yes, I did.
George: Then why don't you know what the spleen does?

Ok, my biology class was a long, long time ago (in what now feels like a galaxy far, far away). But this brought home an interesting point for me. What was the point of my taking biology all those years ago? I knew I wouldn't be a scientist. I didn't like science, in fact. I did well in it (because I was a super-achiever and worked as hard as I needed to in order to do well in everything), but ultimately, what good did it do me? Why did I bother, and unless my son finds it truly interesting, why should he bother? Shouldn't he spend his time pursuing things he's deeply passionate about, since there are so many of them? Isn't this part of the beauty of homeschooling? (Actually, he's the one who asked about the spleen, so he may end up being passionate about biology. Just humor me; I'm trying to work this out.)

On the other hand, I would never argue against learning even just for learning's sake. I think most subjects or disciplines you study do you some good, even if you don't retain much knowledge of the actual material. I think that each discipline requires you to learn how to think in a slightly different way, or to see the world in a different way, and I do believe that that is valuable. Because if you turned it around on me and told me that a kid who was interested only in science shouldn't have to study the humanities at all, I'd disagree with you very strongly. I think that an education should be well rounded; I really do. And I do want to make sure that George is exposed to science in case it turns out that he loves it as much as he loves literature and history. But if he doesn't really love it all that much, does he truly need a full course in biology? Might it not be just as good or even better for him to learn some philosophy of science, some history of science, and to learn something about how scientists approach problems? And of course, to learn where to go to find answers to questions such as "What does the spleen do"? (If I hadn't been distracted by putting the dishes away, I would have jumped right on that. Note to self: have George research the spleen next week.)

Anyway, as time goes by, I'm feeling my mental pendulum swing back toward more unschooling. Fortunately, I will never have to worry about George's reading skills–he's already reading at pretty much an adult level, currently working his way through The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series and several Shakespeare plays (the original texts with a facing-page modern-day adaptation) though of course he also reads plenty of kids' books. I have seen that with the tremendous amount of reading he does across such a wide variety of topics, he is educating himself more than adequately in most subjects--for example, he spent an afternoon in my husband's fifth-grade classroom recently and carried out a fifth-grade American history project perfectly well without even having to consult a book. (This was actually a great relief to me, because I have not been consciously focusing on social studies with him at all, but it seems to be getting learned anyway.) And with his passion for science fiction, he's actually learning something about some branches of science (mostly astronomy, I guess, which he'll also get a dose of this summer at camp at the local planetarium). What is really left is math–something I don't think he's going to pick up by reading or osmosis, and something that I do consider to be fundamental, as a sort of basic "language" of the sciences.

So what I've come up with as my new plan for the next few years (um, until I change my mind again!) is that I need to make sure he keeps on reading in, and writing about, a wide variety of subjects, and that he keeps learning math. And while I will certainly always encourage him to broaden his horizons in all sorts of directions, beyond that, I may kind of leave it up to him.